There is, much to admire here, Jill.
I like the tone, generally, but am unsure about some of the ‘is’ phrasing. I assume a desire to place the perceptions in a moment, outside the situation a bit but not outside the moment, yet wonder if some of the activity could be a bit more active?
And then again, depending on the suite you seem to be working on, maybe not; maybe that outsiderness of observation demands this…
Doug
On Oct 1, 2014, at 10:08 AM, Jill Jones <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
>
> Hi Lawrence,
>
> Thanks for an initial impression. If/when you get back to it, I'll be
> interested to know what further thoughts you have. It was snapped, in
> a sense, on the weekend and I'm trying to develop it and some other
> Stockholm inflected poems at the moment. Possibly it's early days.
>
> Cheers,
>
> Jill
>
>
>
> P.S. All, excuse the empty post I just sent. I'm still not quite used
> to this computer the uni has installed for me here. Pressed wrong
> button.
>
>
> ________________________
>
> Jill Jones www.jilljones.com.au
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Poetryetc: poetry and poetics"
> To:
> Cc:
> Sent:Wed, 1 Oct 2014 16:11:04 +0100
> Subject:Re: Stockholm snap
>
> There is much to admire and enjoy in that poem, Jill. Even so, I am
> going
> to have to come back to it I'm in danger of liking a poem because I
> like
> its subject.
> You catch a quality of that place which is very hard to pin down. I'm
> trying hard not to be envious, as I haven't been there in 20 years
> Thank you
>
> L
>
> On 1 October 2014 15:32, Jill Jones wrote:
>
>>
>>
>> DJURGåRDEN
>>
>>
>>
>> It smells sweet here under the dying trees,
>>
>> there's still a fruit and a high nest,
>>
>> and laughter, none of it for you
>>
>> and you can be happy in that.
>>
>>
>>
>> You're not looking for anything
>>
>> that hasn't been already found, you leave
>>
>> aside grace, or desire, or violence, even
>>
>> boredom, they do not apply.
>>
>>
>>
>> You pass green trees, a green field,
>>
>> people drinking beer, torn posters
>>
>> in a language, pizzas and drifters in a language.
>>
>> You pass as afternoon passes.
>>
>> And so many bridges.
>>
>> Sunset and neon is all to do with change,
>>
>> it's never otherwise,
>>
>> happiness to disgust, disquiet to joy,
>>
>> all in a quasi-sexual movement, a light
>>
>> that never quite leaves even one-ness.
>>
>> It's the cells colliding, the dancing queens,
>>
>> the drums and glittering shoulders.
>>
>> It is in fact the skin which curls up between
>>
>> who you are and where you've been.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> ________________________
>>
>> Jill Jones www.jilljones.com.au
>>
>>
>
>
Douglas Barbour
[log in to unmask]
Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations & Continuation 2 (UofAPress).
Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
that we are only
as we find out we are
Charles Olson
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