I liked 'toothlessed' too, Jill, Doug, but but after re-editing before I read your replies, I couldn't justify it in this poem. It's more visceral than a teeth lack, the word I seek. So I'm with you, Max. It goes, along with Grandma Beat - who never crops up again and may be confused as negotiatee - and an opening indefinite article. In comes grass specification, thanks Pat, and stronger indication of the nature of the pact but still lacking specifics. I'm still up for further comment.
Bill
Dreamt snake threatened
to cut me off before I wriggled
across itchy Buffalo grass
to safety of brick steps
on front veranda.
So doubled back to confront,
to parlay. I'm only eight.
Can't we cut a deal here?
My Bendigo Crossroads.
Negotiated. Without honour.
And that pact has dogged me
in subsequent wakeful dealings
with authority. Sure, I remain
unbitten but whatever that offer
comprised, eviscerated me.
In some ways it's been good.
I know I'll never be snake.
But the pound of flesh exacted
set up a chain of compromise
that feels dirty to this day.
15.10.14
> On 16 Oct 2014, at 6:38 am, Max Richards <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> Like it all except toothless…
>
> Max
>
>> On Oct 16, 2014, at 5:05 AM, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>>
>> Yeah, liked that, too…
>>
>> Doug
>>> On Oct 15, 2014, at 10:31 AM, Jill Jones <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>>>
>>> Toothlessed is a good word.
>>> ________________________Jill Jones www.jilljones.com.au
>>>
>>> ----- Original Message -----
>>> From: "Poetryetc: poetry and poetics"
>>> To:
>>> Cc:
>>> Sent:Wed, 15 Oct 2014 07:42:33 +1100
>>> Subject:Negotiating with Management
>>>
>>> Dreamt a snake would clearly
>>>
>>> cut me off before I wriggled
>>>
>>> across itchy dry paspalum
>>>
>>> to the safety of brick steps
>>>
>>> on Grandma Beat's front veranda.
>>>
>>> So doubled back to confront,
>>>
>>> to parlay. I'm only eight.
>>>
>>> Can't we cut a deal here?
>>>
>>> My Bendigo Crossroads.
>>>
>>> Negotiated.
>>>
>>> And that pact has dogged me
>>>
>>> in all subsequent dealings
>>>
>>> with authority. Sure, I remain
>>>
>>> unbitten but whatever that
>>>
>>> offer comprised, toothlessed me.
>>>
>>> In some ways it's been good.
>>>
>>> I know I'll never be snake.
>>>
>>> But the pound of flesh exacted
>>>
>>> set up a chain of compromise
>>>
>>> that feels dirty to this day.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>
>> Douglas Barbour
>> [log in to unmask]
>>
>> Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations & Continuation 2 (UofAPress).
>> Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
>>
>> that we are only
>> as we find out we are
>>
>> Charles Olson
>
|