Thanks for that, Doug. I have dropped pronouns from subjects; but it does
draw attention to the absence; and I wouldnt want that because the whole
poem concerns with a disassociation within the person. The happening - the
events, the perception are internal, I think
Where I am now, removing the 'She' would play hell with the rhythm
But I'm a long way from end of this set. It's all rough. So, comment noted
and with thanks.
I'm hoping to try this and some others from the set at the wf workshop
tomorrow
On 22 August 2013 18:28, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Lawrence:
>
> this is so 'objective' I'd almost ask that that first "She' be dropped, so
> it's all just happening (bit no sense, really, of an actual 'whom' to)?
> That seems ot be some of what the series is attempting...?
>
> Doug
> On 2013-08-21, at 6:54 AM, Lawrence Upton <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> > She heard herself grunt and moan, yet shadowy
> >
> > not quite to be seen and quite rarely heard
> >
> > now, shapeless and tattered, hearing the voice
> >
> > of another moaning loudly, grunting.
> >
> > A fantasy. All time for thinking passes,
> >
> > all that's remaining read about, labelled,
> >
> > had begun to spin, shaking, till morning
> >
> > mourning the dead of one's own self, more sleep
> >
> > neglected when the desire to dream's thwarted,
> >
> > circling below the ceiling undetected,
> >
> > abandoning turning. Do you believe
> >
>
> Douglas Barbour
> [log in to unmask]
>
> http://www.ualberta.ca/~dbarbour/
> http://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
>
> Latest books:
> Continuations & Continuations 2 (with Sheila E Murphy)
> http://www.uap.ualberta.ca/UAP.asp?LID=41&bookID=962
> Recording Dates
> (Rubicon Press)
>
> Art is always the replacing of indifference by attention.
>
> Guy Davenport
>
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