This reaches me strongly, Andrew.
It seems like the right words in the right order, unfolding and closing well.
Form - well, its informality is OK by me, but I imagine others may say things like:
tighten up, or have it crystallise more.
I wanted location early on but when it comes, the repat hosp verandah, that was fine.
It follows the stream of your remembering.
Max
On 18/07/2013, at 3:37 PM, Andrew Burke wrote:
> I offer this poem in draft form for any comments: I need criticism to move
> on ...
>
> *FELIX*
>
>
>
> Each day
>
> when I open the cereal box
>
> I smile and remember Felix –
>
> happy young Aussie who led
>
> our charge into the Vietnam war
>
> only to return, poisoned, dismissed,
>
> a middle aged man overnight.
>
>
>
> Felix found words to be
>
> some kind of solace, letting
>
> his wit out to play with his Kelpie
>
> as he strummed his beat-up guitar.
>
> He printed his poems and songs
>
> on scraps of paper
>
> and covered each manuscript
>
> with cereal box collages:
>
> King Willie Weetie meets Snap*Crackle*Pop!
>
>
>
> When they cut off the front half
>
> of his left foot, he said
>
> *‘I’m half the iamb I used to be’*.
>
> On the Repatriation Hospital’s verandah
>
> you could hear his rough hewn baritone
>
> singing above the silence of
>
> his fellow Vietnam veterans, a life time
>
> from their youth, a stagnant squad
>
> puffing on their roll-your-owns.
>
>
>
> *- Andrew Burke*
>
> --
> Andrew
> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
> 'Undercover of Lightness'
> http://walleahpress.com.au/recent-publications.html
> 'Shikibu Shuffle'
> http://abovegroundpress.blogspot.com.au/2012/03/new-from-aboveground-press-shikibu.html
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