Sharon - it is already a good poem, but I just have some aspects I'd like
to tamper with. Drop the first two lines: they are almost cliche. And some
advectives prove extraneous and the poem would be stronger without them.
Here's my version:
You sit in a dim room
holding your cat.
Her heart beats against
the palm of your hand.
You turn the lights down.
Windows darken to black.
She gasps for life, then
does not breathe.
gasps again. You find
you're in the hospice room,
voices on the other side
of the door. You listen
to your mother’s breathing.
This tabby manx has kept you
company for seventeen years.
Tomorrow she will not wake you.
*
I can't write a shopping list at present, so I tamper with yours. I hope I
don't offend.
Andrew
On 13 December 2012 02:43, Patrick McManus <[log in to unmask]>wrote:
> Caught woven the sad moments
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On
> Behalf Of sharon brogan
> Sent: 07 December 2012 04:18
> To: [log in to unmask]
> Subject: snap
>
> *Each day passes the next
> like ghosts in a dark hallway.
>
> You sit in this dim room
> holding your dying cat.
> Her heart beats against
> the palm of your hand.
>
> You turned the lights down.
> The windows darken to black.
>
> She gasps for life, then
> does not breathe, then
> gasps again. You find your-
>
> self in the hospice room,
> quiet voices on the other side
> of the door. You listen
>
> to your mother's breathing.
> This tabby manx has kept you
> company for seventeen years.
>
> Tomorrow she will not wake you.
>
>
> *
>
> --
> sharon brogan
> http://www.sbpoet.com
> http://www.sbpoet.net
> http://smallpoems.sbpoet.net
> 406.578.1788
>
--
Andrew
http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
'Undercover of Lightness'
http://walleahpress.com.au/recent-publications.html
'Shikibu Shuffle'
http://abovegroundpress.blogspot.com.au/2012/03/new-from-aboveground-press-shikibu.html
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