Indeed, welcome Sophie-Louise
That's a lot powerful imagery, but some of it seems a bit slow & redundant to me:
those black button eyes might be better as such (black holes now having so many newer associations; unless you wanted them).
I'm not sure abut the length of some lines, nor ending them on the articles..
Doug
On 2012-11-01, at 4:13 PM, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Welcome, Sophie-Louise and your charcoal foot slamming poem.
>
> Bill
>
> On 02/11/2012, at 8:10 AM, Sophie-Louise Hyde <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
>> Hi All,
>>
>> I am a newbie to this discussion list and a poet, currently undertaking study as postgraduate student in Creative Writing at Loughborough University.
>>
>> I have been receiving emails of some of your work and thought I might try my hand at posting something of mine for some well-informed feedback as it has been fantastic to receive your work through.
>>
>> I look forward to receiving your thoughts!
>>
>> Thank you.
>>
>>
>> ***
>>
>> Indian Elephant
>>
>>
>> Towering over the plains of Brahmaputra,
>> he stands tall.
>> He hollers, wanting to be heard,
>> a shriek that is so low in sound.
>> A commander.
>>
>> Black holes as small as buttons
>> for eyes, ready
>> to engulf the world as he sees it.
>>
>> Tusks, one missing,
>> the other, boned and chipped.
>>
>> Evidence of ivory-men come for their raw material.
>>
>> Wrinkles, a usual sign of age in my naanii, but
>> these lines, instead,
>> a symbol of suffering.
>>
>> The spine barely visible in the
>> shape of his back, a
>> rounded stomach that appears full,
>> and yet, unsatisfied.
>> Suffering.
>>
>> His foot slams the Earth.
>> A stamp, another cry.
>> Charcoal grey man.
>>
>> His fifth leg so – L O N G – it sways,
>> only one centimetre
>> above the dust
>> below.
>>
>> The flap of his wings as he rises to power to hear the birds as they sing.
>>
>> And as I watch in the distance, a
>> shadow of the smile he once held spreads across his soul.
>>
>> Charcoal grey man,
>> Suffering.
>>
>>
>> ***
>>
>> (c) Sophie-Louise Hyde 2012.
>> Blog: www.thestudentwordsmith.com
>>
>
Douglas Barbour
[log in to unmask]
Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations & Continuation 2 (UofAPress).
Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).
Something else is out there
godamnit
And I want to hear it
C.D.Wright
|