I agree, & also about that 2nd line: its the only place you fit in a pronoun, which moves it a bit out from the rest in terms of rhetoric. But the piling up of certain consonantal sounds then shifting them: yeah.
Doug
On 2011-03-10, at 10:45 AM, Halvard Johnson wrote:
> Very good. Love the sounds. One quibble:
> I think I'd omit the first five words of the
> second line, maybe moving the remaining
> word to the following line.
Douglas Barbour
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