I admire its difference from most jazz poems I encounter (so much detail about the group when they're not performing). But though I can imagine bloodshot eyes behind dark glasses, the implication of heroin addiction also inherent in "bleeding tracks" probably needs supporting touches.
Barry
On Tue, 22 Jun 2010 23:16:50 +0800, andrew burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>I've been trying to write a poem for a competition - jazz poem for
>'extempore' magazine. This came up, which isn't a competition winner
>type poem, but still I think has some value. In saying that, I feel it
>still can be improved a lot, so I throw it in the ring to see if you
>have any ideas. One thing you may not know is, 'Salt Peanuts' was a
>hit for Dizzy Gillespie decades back, and some bop bands use it as a
>sign-off piece at the end of brackets.
>
>Breakfast Nowhere Special (title)
>
>Greasy spoon breakfast
>in a wintry caf� at dawn. We play
>dark corners, big towns,
>little towns, by the perennial park where
>the war memorial stands and the homeless
>drink. A bleak life with scant reward �
>they�re escaping nine-to-five,
>the rat race, just like us. We play
>hard bop born in a USA cellar.
>Last night we were Miles and Trane,
>Elvin and Monk � now we�re shrinking
>into our own skins, mumbling
>smoky midnight echoes, Phoebe with us,
>androgynous, on edge, in
>catsuit and wig. George reckons
>she�s a guy, and Jean-Paul is
>writing her into a suite. We�re
>coming down over beans and bacon,
>tipping whisky into our tea when
>the guy�s not looking. Shades hide our eyes
>where smoke and stage lights
>left bleeding tracks. Our
>next stop is a regional centre, built
>for ballet and opera but needing
>funds. Cash is always popular.
>�Yeah! Salt peanuts!� Paul shouts,
>slapping the table, and we all laugh.
>We want the world to know
>we were cooking last night,
>we were _someone_ up there. Now, here,
>paradiddling in a drear city dawn,
>we hang out to keep
>the dream drumming.
>
>*
>
>All comments welcome.
>
>PS: With Hal's permission I put his poem up on my blog.Take a look if
>you have a moment.
>
>Andrew
>http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
>'Mother Waits for Father Late' republished available at
>http://www.picaropress.com/
>http://www.qlrs.com/poem.asp?id=766
>http://frankshome.org/AndrewBurke.html
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