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POETRYETC  February 2010

POETRYETC February 2010

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Subject:

Re: poem for review

From:

Patrick McManus <[log in to unmask]>

Reply-To:

Poetryetc: poetry and poetics

Date:

Mon, 1 Feb 2010 08:26:16 -0000

Content-Type:

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Hi Angel do you have to sign up to hear the music?(will I get all tha spam
??)I seem to get two songs at once 
Patrick non tech-still I know the song well
-----Original Message-----
From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On
Behalf Of Angel Robert Marquez
Sent: 01 February 2010 04:51
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: poem for review

your poem reminded me of these two songs:
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/b/beatles/a+day+in+the+life_10026556.html

http://www.lyricsdomain.com/19/suzanne_vega/toms_diner.html

On Sun, Jan 31, 2010 at 7:26 PM, andrew burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:

> Thanks, Janet. Yes, it was a self-pitying moment masquerading as a poem.
> I'll chop and add and chop and chip and chop and ... something will
remain.
> Third person is a good call - I'll try that. & no Eliot. Thanks again.
> Andrew
> (Yes, I'm looking after myself - and Jeanette has a short lease on me so I
> can't venture far until after 10th - boo hoo.)
>
> On 1 February 2010 11:20, Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
> > And now, having read the other comments, I can condense mine to:
> >
> > 'Like Judy said'
> >
> > :-)
> > Janet
> >
> > On 1 February 2010 11:18, Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> >
> > >
> > >
> > > On 29 January 2010 08:02, andrew burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> > >
> > >> I am presently trying to work this poem out. If you don't know The
> > >> Hollow Men by TSEliot, it may lose a lot. And this format doesn't
> > >> allow italics (for those without rich text) for the quotes. Sigh. But
> > >> have a look if you will - any response is valid. And more than
> > >> welcome!
> > >>
> > >> Illustrated History (title)
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> For us, the faded ink
> > >> whispers of a bleak end.
> > >>
> > >> _We are the hollow men ._
> > >>
> > >> Brittle bones and flawed heart,
> > >> I am drained of much
> > >> and live in echoes.
> > >>
> > >> _May this bring back
> > >> fond memories ._
> > >>
> > >>
> > > Until this point I'm bored... I'm thinking, it's another of those
> > > sad-old-man poems (sorry, Andrew!) But then we get some action and
> after
> > > this point I just love the description, especially the bouncing
> > tradesmen...
> > > that's so exactly right!
> > >
> > > Would anything be lost by starting at this point?
> > >
> > > Also it may be better to get rid of the Eliot bits, or maybe just
quote
> > him
> > > once, at the beginning, if you still want that context.
> > >
> > > The poem is I guess examining the experience of being older and
> consigned
> > > to the role of observer -- in contemporary suburban Australia. Would
it
> > be
> > > more powerful to leave out the introspection? Simply to describe?
> > >
> > > I'm not sure whether this poem wouldn't work better in the third
> > person...
> > > or perhaps rewrite it from old Marcia's point of view?
> > >
> > > HTH, look after yourself
> > > Janet
> > >
> > >
> > >> My play is all dialogue
> > >> at the shopkeeper's door
> > >> with old Marcia who sits
> > >> on the padded seat
> > >> of her walking frame.
> > >>
> > >> _We are the stuffed men ._
> > >>
> > >> As we talk, about weather
> > >> and rising prices, tradesmen bounce
> > >> out of utilities and trucks
> > >> to buy choc-flavoured milk
> > >> and Mrs Mac's pies.
> > >> Stained with years,
> > >> the old lady sips her coffee
> > >> through a straw
> > >> and meditates in
> > >> their exhaust. Her dress
> > >> is faded and her hair grey
> > >> but she likes to watch
> > >> tradesmen come and go,
> > >> talking of who can bat
> > >> and who can throw.
> > >>
> > >> _Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!_
> > >>
> > >> Vice detectives own
> > >> the shopkeeper's son who
> > >> now pushes his daughter -
> > >> thin, bespectacled, thirty -
> > >> towards the bar.
> > >> His family history is
> > >> illustrated in tattoos:
> > >> Mother's faded numbers
> > >> over a triangle,
> > >> his 1% MC and devil-tailed flames,
> > >> and now
> > >> her bluebird and red rose.
> > >>
> > >> _Behaving as the wind behaves
> > >> No nearer- _
> > >>
> > >> This is the way my day begins,
> > >> This is the way my day begins,
> > >> This is the way my day begins:
> > >> Not with a bang but the paper.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Andrew
> > >> 'Beyond City Limits', pub. ICLL @ ECU, available at topnotch indie
> > >> bookshops - list at http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
> > >>
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > --
> > > Janet Jackson: Words with attitude & soul
> > > Poems Performances Workshops Courses
> > > Creative, technical and corporate writing
> > > Editing
> > >
> > > [log in to unmask]
> > > www.proximitypoetry.com
> > >
> > > Perth Poetry Club: www.perthpoetryclub.com
> > >
> > > The Line Mine, bulletin board for Perth poetry & spoken word:
> > > [log in to unmask]
> > > groups.yahoo.com/group/thelinemine
> > >
> > > Breastfeeding info & help: www.breastfeeding.asn.au
> > >
> >
> >
> >
> > --
> > Janet Jackson: Words with attitude & soul
> > Poems Performances Workshops Courses
> > Creative, technical and corporate writing
> > Editing
> >
> > [log in to unmask]
> > www.proximitypoetry.com
> >
> > Perth Poetry Club: www.perthpoetryclub.com
> >
> > The Line Mine, bulletin board for Perth poetry & spoken word:
> > [log in to unmask]
> > groups.yahoo.com/group/thelinemine
> >
> > Breastfeeding info & help: www.breastfeeding.asn.au
> >
>
>
>
> --
> Andrew
>
> 'Beyond City Limits', pub. ICLL @ ECU, available at topnotch indie
> bookshops
> - list at http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
>
No virus found in this incoming message.
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Version: 8.5.432 / Virus Database: 271.1.1/2659 - Release Date: 01/31/10
06:39:00

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