And now, having read the other comments, I can condense mine to:
'Like Judy said'
:-)
Janet
On 1 February 2010 11:18, Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
>
> On 29 January 2010 08:02, andrew burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
>> I am presently trying to work this poem out. If you don't know The
>> Hollow Men by TSEliot, it may lose a lot. And this format doesn't
>> allow italics (for those without rich text) for the quotes. Sigh. But
>> have a look if you will - any response is valid. And more than
>> welcome!
>>
>> Illustrated History (title)
>>
>>
>> For us, the faded ink
>> whispers of a bleak end.
>>
>> _We are the hollow men …_
>>
>> Brittle bones and flawed heart,
>> I am drained of much
>> and live in echoes.
>>
>> _May this bring back
>> fond memories …_
>>
>>
> Until this point I'm bored... I'm thinking, it's another of those
> sad-old-man poems (sorry, Andrew!) But then we get some action and after
> this point I just love the description, especially the bouncing tradesmen...
> that's so exactly right!
>
> Would anything be lost by starting at this point?
>
> Also it may be better to get rid of the Eliot bits, or maybe just quote him
> once, at the beginning, if you still want that context.
>
> The poem is I guess examining the experience of being older and consigned
> to the role of observer -- in contemporary suburban Australia. Would it be
> more powerful to leave out the introspection? Simply to describe?
>
> I'm not sure whether this poem wouldn't work better in the third person...
> or perhaps rewrite it from old Marcia's point of view?
>
> HTH, look after yourself
> Janet
>
>
>> My play is all dialogue
>> at the shopkeeper’s door
>> with old Marcia who sits
>> on the padded seat
>> of her walking frame.
>>
>> _We are the stuffed men …_
>>
>> As we talk, about weather
>> and rising prices, tradesmen bounce
>> out of utilities and trucks
>> to buy choc-flavoured milk
>> and Mrs Mac’s pies.
>> Stained with years,
>> the old lady sips her coffee
>> through a straw
>> and meditates in
>> their exhaust. Her dress
>> is faded and her hair grey
>> but she likes to watch
>> tradesmen come and go,
>> talking of who can bat
>> and who can throw.
>>
>> _Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!_
>>
>> Vice detectives own
>> the shopkeeper’s son who
>> now pushes his daughter –
>> thin, bespectacled, thirty –
>> towards the bar.
>> His family history is
>> illustrated in tattoos:
>> Mother’s faded numbers
>> over a triangle,
>> his 1% MC and devil-tailed flames,
>> and now
>> her bluebird and red rose.
>>
>> _Behaving as the wind behaves
>> No nearer— _
>>
>> This is the way my day begins,
>> This is the way my day begins,
>> This is the way my day begins:
>> Not with a bang but the paper.
>>
>>
>>
>> Andrew
>> 'Beyond City Limits', pub. ICLL @ ECU, available at topnotch indie
>> bookshops - list at http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
>>
>
>
>
> --
> Janet Jackson: Words with attitude & soul
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--
Janet Jackson: Words with attitude & soul
Poems Performances Workshops Courses
Creative, technical and corporate writing
Editing
[log in to unmask]
www.proximitypoetry.com
Perth Poetry Club: www.perthpoetryclub.com
The Line Mine, bulletin board for Perth poetry & spoken word:
[log in to unmask]
groups.yahoo.com/group/thelinemine
Breastfeeding info & help: www.breastfeeding.asn.au
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