I like it, P!!
Cuts out all the gobbledygook; gets right to the basics, the action. And
apparently you think that the several metaphors for the lover aren't
confusing or you would've cut them out.
I welcome other folks' opinions or versions or criticisms of any or all of
this, as well! Fascinating to see what people find effective or
Patrick, I thank you for the trouble you took to do this!
2008/10/17 Patrick McManus <[log in to unmask]>
> blade in my jeweler's saw,
> you quaver and lock taut
> I slice you, waxed,
> through copper and silver sheets
> your warm hand on my thigh
> you leave me now
> like a fox to the grapes
> Patrick's cut
> Well Joodles you dared me -I tried
> -the bit I also did like but did not get in was
> 'I tune my jeweler's saw against breastbone and bench' which is lovely
> got run herself will be here soon (last days before total retiring!)