Joodles Wonder woman
Hi Joodles been following this with interest -am now confused by three
versions!
I ought to try to get my little old head around it all - I am still not sure
what is going on here about who is being sliced does the lover have a tail?
Some lines
'that one-note ache that slows my tools'
This sounds like a male sex problem
'frayed lightning follows your face'
this seems bit over effed!
'thunder, lazy raindrops'
cliché?
Do I get a touch of the old rubaiyat generally
Fox and grapes does that relate to the sour grapes story?
Cheers from Patrick trying to be constructive
Best of luck with the revisings
-----Original Message-----
From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On
Behalf Of Christopher C Jones
Sent: 17 October 2008 09:03
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: Poem: 'Sidelined'.....revised
Judy, many thanks for this posting which (of most importance to me)
shows your revision procedure and which I greatly appreciate, most of
all. I am currently revising a major work so in the process manage to
convince myself I have no skill in this area. Revision seems something
that still, to an extent, is to be hidden from the eyes of others (or
was that a horror novel I read ten years ago.)
Apologies, also for the delayed reply... have been struck down by an out
of control perennial border in my back garden thus spoiling the ambiance
in my studio (fickle, that I am) along with CFS FM and arthritis. And
still the front gardens and side gardens need attention... it seems a
ridiculous waste of resources these gardens for the eye, nose and hands,
however, freshly grown vegetables make it worthwhile; freshly picked
Hunter River Brown Onions, an early variety picked while still a mere
youth in mid spring, complements perfectly diced veal, along with
several glasses of early sweet red grape variety.
On Thu, 2008-10-09 at 07:06 -0400, Judy Prince wrote:
> Let's do this, then, Christopher: I'll add 2 previous drafts, you
'circle'
> only the parts you like in them as well as the latest version, and I'll
> cobble together a new poem from that.
> Have a chopping-good time, and I invite others to do so, as well !
>
> Judy
>
> 1) OLDEST VERSION [2 Oct 08]:
>
>
> Sidelined
>
>
> I tune my jeweler's saw against breastbone and bench
>
> blade forward, you quaver and lock taut
>
> I slice you, waxed, through copper sheet
> but oh my love you confound me
> you run through my breath
> through the crickets' throb
> the one-note ache that slows my tools to night
>
> you've gone -- a fox to the grapes
> tail flicking
>
> ----------------
> jbprince
>
>
> 2) NEXT OLDEST VERSION [3 Oct 08]:
>
>
> SIDELINED
>
>
>
> blade in my jeweler's saw,
>
> you quaver and lock taut
>
> I slice you, waxed, through copper sheet
>
>
>
> but oh my love you confound me
>
> you run through my breathing,
>
> through the crickets' throb,
>
> a one-note ache that slows my tools to night
>
>
>
> frayed lightning follows your face
>
> your warm hand on my thigh
>
> we've come to a tight emptiness, an autumnal storm
>
> its early blood-drops lazy and large
>
>
>
> you leave me now
>
> you go like a fox to the grapes
>
> tail flicking
>
> ______
>
> jbprince
>
>
> 3) LATEST VERSION [5 Oct 08], given below after your comments:
> 2008/10/9 Christopher C Jones <[log in to unmask]>
>
> > Judy, with all the hesitations one adopts and needs to make sure my
> > comments can be ignored, it seems that this is over revised or edited.
> > For me, this allows two possibles, first to go back and look again at
> > earlier versions or as seems to happen so often with my writing, to go
> > further again and as such get over the over revised draft???
> >
> > Best, chris jones
> >
> >
> > On Sun, 2008-10-05 at 23:04 -0400, Judy Prince wrote:
> > > Here's a revised version---not Sufi, not especially 'mystical', but
> > perhaps
> > > more easily understood. Comments welcomed.
> > > Judy
> > >
> > > SIDELINED
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > blade in my jeweler's saw,
> > >
> > > you quaver and lock taut
> > >
> > > I slice you, waxed,
> > >
> > > through copper and silver sheets
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > but oh my love you confound me
> > >
> > > you slice through my breathing,
> > >
> > > through the crickets' throb,
> > >
> > > that one-note ache that slows my tools
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > thunder, lazy raindrops
> > >
> > > an autumnal storm pocks the river
> > >
> > > and lightning follows your face
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > you leave me now
> > >
> > > you go, like a fox to the grapes
> > >
> > > tail flicking
> > >
> > >
> > > ---------------
> > >
> > > jbprince
> >
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