It's those male sex problems I've been having, Patrick, as you've so clearly
identified. P'raps a sex change operation's the solution. Who'd've
thought, though, that an incredibly sensual female-appearing person such as
joodles would need to change her gender----again? <sigh>
Now to the issue of that troublesome poem, in its 3 body-forms: Is there
any version, any line, or even word, that you like, Patrick [excluding the
title which I've now forgotten]?
If you still remember my name and gender, then by all means give me some
specific assistance with trying to write a reasonably understandable version
of this poem.
Here's one way to do that: 1) write YOUR version of what you think I'm
trying to say in this poem [heh heh heh].
Here's a nother way to give me specific assistance: 1) write YOUR version
of what you would LIKE me to try to say in this poem [before my birthday
which as everyone should know is 20 October].
Thanks!
joodles his favourite and favoured fandancer
2008/10/17 Patrick McManus <[log in to unmask]>
> Joodles Wonder woman
>
>
>
> Hi Joodles been following this with interest -am now confused by three
> versions!
>
> I ought to try to get my little old head around it all - I am still not
> sure
> what is going on here about who is being sliced does the lover have a tail?
>
> Some lines
>
>
> 'that one-note ache that slows my tools'
>
> This sounds like a male sex problem
>
> 'frayed lightning follows your face'
>
> this seems bit over effed!
>
> 'thunder, lazy raindrops'
>
> cliché?
>
> Do I get a touch of the old rubaiyat generally
>
> Fox and grapes does that relate to the sour grapes story?
>
> Cheers from Patrick trying to be constructive
>
> Best of luck with the revisings
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On
> Behalf Of Christopher C Jones
> Sent: 17 October 2008 09:03
> To: [log in to unmask]
> Subject: Re: Poem: 'Sidelined'.....revised
>
> Judy, many thanks for this posting which (of most importance to me)
> shows your revision procedure and which I greatly appreciate, most of
> all. I am currently revising a major work so in the process manage to
> convince myself I have no skill in this area. Revision seems something
> that still, to an extent, is to be hidden from the eyes of others (or
> was that a horror novel I read ten years ago.)
>
> Apologies, also for the delayed reply... have been struck down by an out
> of control perennial border in my back garden thus spoiling the ambiance
> in my studio (fickle, that I am) along with CFS FM and arthritis. And
> still the front gardens and side gardens need attention... it seems a
> ridiculous waste of resources these gardens for the eye, nose and hands,
> however, freshly grown vegetables make it worthwhile; freshly picked
> Hunter River Brown Onions, an early variety picked while still a mere
> youth in mid spring, complements perfectly diced veal, along with
> several glasses of early sweet red grape variety.
>
>
> On Thu, 2008-10-09 at 07:06 -0400, Judy Prince wrote:
> > Let's do this, then, Christopher: I'll add 2 previous drafts, you
> 'circle'
> > only the parts you like in them as well as the latest version, and I'll
> > cobble together a new poem from that.
> > Have a chopping-good time, and I invite others to do so, as well !
> >
> > Judy
> >
> > 1) OLDEST VERSION [2 Oct 08]:
> >
> >
> > Sidelined
> >
> >
> > I tune my jeweler's saw against breastbone and bench
> >
> > blade forward, you quaver and lock taut
> >
> > I slice you, waxed, through copper sheet
> > but oh my love you confound me
> > you run through my breath
> > through the crickets' throb
> > the one-note ache that slows my tools to night
> >
> > you've gone -- a fox to the grapes
> > tail flicking
> >
> > ----------------
> > jbprince
> >
> >
> > 2) NEXT OLDEST VERSION [3 Oct 08]:
> >
> >
> > SIDELINED
> >
> >
> >
> > blade in my jeweler's saw,
> >
> > you quaver and lock taut
> >
> > I slice you, waxed, through copper sheet
> >
> >
> >
> > but oh my love you confound me
> >
> > you run through my breathing,
> >
> > through the crickets' throb,
> >
> > a one-note ache that slows my tools to night
> >
> >
> >
> > frayed lightning follows your face
> >
> > your warm hand on my thigh
> >
> > we've come to a tight emptiness, an autumnal storm
> >
> > its early blood-drops lazy and large
> >
> >
> >
> > you leave me now
> >
> > you go like a fox to the grapes
> >
> > tail flicking
> >
> > ______
> >
> > jbprince
> >
> >
> > 3) LATEST VERSION [5 Oct 08], given below after your comments:
> > 2008/10/9 Christopher C Jones <[log in to unmask]>
> >
> > > Judy, with all the hesitations one adopts and needs to make sure my
> > > comments can be ignored, it seems that this is over revised or edited.
> > > For me, this allows two possibles, first to go back and look again at
> > > earlier versions or as seems to happen so often with my writing, to go
> > > further again and as such get over the over revised draft???
> > >
> > > Best, chris jones
> > >
> > >
> > > On Sun, 2008-10-05 at 23:04 -0400, Judy Prince wrote:
> > > > Here's a revised version---not Sufi, not especially 'mystical', but
> > > perhaps
> > > > more easily understood. Comments welcomed.
> > > > Judy
> > > >
> > > > SIDELINED
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > blade in my jeweler's saw,
> > > >
> > > > you quaver and lock taut
> > > >
> > > > I slice you, waxed,
> > > >
> > > > through copper and silver sheets
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > but oh my love you confound me
> > > >
> > > > you slice through my breathing,
> > > >
> > > > through the crickets' throb,
> > > >
> > > > that one-note ache that slows my tools
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > thunder, lazy raindrops
> > > >
> > > > an autumnal storm pocks the river
> > > >
> > > > and lightning follows your face
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > you leave me now
> > > >
> > > > you go, like a fox to the grapes
> > > >
> > > > tail flicking
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > ---------------
> > > >
> > > > jbprince
> > >
>
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