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POETRYETC  October 2008

POETRYETC October 2008

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Subject:

Re: Poem: 'Sidelined'.....revised

From:

Judy Prince <[log in to unmask]>

Reply-To:

Poetryetc: poetry and poetics

Date:

Thu, 9 Oct 2008 07:06:38 -0400

Content-Type:

text/plain

Parts/Attachments:

Parts/Attachments

text/plain (138 lines)

Let's do this, then, Christopher:  I'll add 2 previous drafts, you 'circle'
only the parts you like in them as well as the latest version, and I'll
cobble together a new poem from that.
Have a chopping-good time, and I invite others to do so, as well !

Judy

1)  OLDEST VERSION [2 Oct 08]:


Sidelined


I tune my jeweler's saw against breastbone and bench

blade forward, you quaver and lock taut

I slice you, waxed, through copper sheet
but oh my love you confound me
you run through my breath
through the crickets' throb
the one-note ache that slows my tools to night

you've gone -- a fox to the grapes
tail flicking

----------------
jbprince


2)  NEXT OLDEST VERSION [3 Oct 08]:


SIDELINED



blade in my jeweler's saw,

you quaver and lock taut

I slice you, waxed, through copper sheet



but oh my love you confound me

you run through my breathing,

through the crickets' throb,

a one-note ache that slows my tools to night



frayed lightning  follows your face

your warm hand on my thigh

we've come to a tight emptiness, an autumnal storm

its early blood-drops lazy and large



you leave me now

you go like a fox to the grapes

tail flicking

______

jbprince


3)  LATEST VERSION [5 Oct 08], given below after your comments:
2008/10/9 Christopher C Jones <[log in to unmask]>

> Judy, with all the hesitations one adopts and needs to make sure my
> comments can be ignored, it seems that this is over revised or edited.
> For me, this allows two possibles, first to go back and look again at
> earlier versions or as seems to happen so often with my writing, to go
> further again and as such get over the over revised draft???
>
> Best, chris jones
>
>
> On Sun, 2008-10-05 at 23:04 -0400, Judy Prince wrote:
> > Here's a revised version---not Sufi, not especially 'mystical', but
> perhaps
> > more easily understood.  Comments welcomed.
> > Judy
> >
> > SIDELINED
> >
> >
> >
> > blade in my jeweler's saw,
> >
> > you quaver and lock taut
> >
> > I slice you, waxed,
> >
> > through copper and silver sheets
> >
> >
> >
> > but oh my love you confound me
> >
> > you slice through my breathing,
> >
> > through the crickets' throb,
> >
> > that one-note ache that slows my tools
> >
> >
> >
> > thunder, lazy raindrops
> >
> > an autumnal storm pocks the river
> >
> > and lightning follows your face
> >
> >
> >
> > you leave me now
> >
> > you go, like a fox to the grapes
> >
> > tail flicking
> >
> >
> > ---------------
> >
> > jbprince
>

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