Hi Dave
I like this a lot just as it stands. On first reading, you seemed to go
a little heavy on the abstractions in the first stanza, but they give a
distancing that seems to fit the mood. Still not sure that eternal
summer is the go, though, even if it does set up some vague echo for me
that I can't place.
As a matter of personal taste (and I know others feel differently), I'm
rarely comfortable with articles at the end of lines - more so when the
enjambment is over a stanza break.
The last stanza seems to head in an odd direction. 'Clambered upon'
seems a little clumsy - though the years and the faces do fit - and the
last line loses me. Seems to be straining a little too much for
paradox. I'd be looking for something that reflects back on
invulnerability, infallibility, etc. No practical suggestions though -
sorry.
Regards
Martin
> This is a provisional thing. I'd welcome constructive criticism,
> particularly about the last line. Otherwise, it is a thing of echoes,
> as we all are. Worried about an implied Platonism in my post title
> btw.
>
> Yrs
>
> 60's man looking back
>
>
> Mr W.S '68
>
> We wondered about our invulnerability
> in that eternal hungering summer. At times
> rare coins appeared, out of the sun's hat,
> in our infallible pockets, but then at a
>
> quarter before the first swish of night,
> or when you looked up suddenly circumspect
> at the pouring of tea, it seemed as if
> a hole appeared just in the bottom left corner
>
> of an all-seeming, whirled. Or that flash
> photographs snared us, to slot twin
> brittle negatives in the tenderness of heads.
>
> Earth swung, on the sun's string. Years
> clambered upon our faces and what was doubt
> followed as wonder wandered in yet out.
>
>
>
>
|