Possible final revision.
I dreamt last night we bought a farm
I painted and ploughed
you sewed and reaped
I dreamt last night our kids were whole
they stood upon
the clean dark earth
I also dreamt I stood before you
I gave you love
I did no harm
PS I've been listening to Tom Connors recently
On Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 7:43 AM, Roger Day <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Thank you, your revisions make it a far better *poem*. However, I
> invented it as a lyric to a tune, very much a folk lyric, specifically
> I borrowed an American tune. If I could sing it to you it would far
> sense. I'll think about some more changes.
>
> I dreamt last night we bought a farm
> I paint and plough
> you sew and reap
>
> I dreamt last night our kids were whole
> they stood upon
> the clean dark earth
>
> I dreamt last night I stood before you
> I gave you love
> I did no harm
>
>
> Roger
>
> On Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 10:46 PM, Frederick Pollack <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>> ----- Original Message ----- From: "Roger Day" <[log in to unmask]>
>> To: <[log in to unmask]>
>> Sent: Friday, July 04, 2008 4:51 PM
>> Subject: poem
>>
>>
>>> I dreamed last night we'd bought a farm
>>> I'd paint and plough
>>> you'd sow and reap
>>>
>>> I dreamed last night our kids were whole
>>> they stood upon
>>> the clean dark earth
>>>
>>> i dreamed last night I stood before you
>>> I gave you love
>>> I did no harm
>>>
>>> --
>>
>>
>> The conditional tense in the first stanza is awkward after the first line.
>> Second stanza intriguing, moving, esp. the very weighted word "whole." Third
>> stanza: the two "I"s in line 1 misfire: the "you" may be interested in "I"
>> standing before him/her, but the *reader is not. You may not have wanted
>> "you stood before me" but it, in contrast, works. "I gave you love" is both
>> stilted and heavy-handed and obscure; how does "giving" someone love differ
>> from "loving"? Last line however is again, like "whole," provocative,
>> poignant; sparks reader involvement. Suggest:
>>
>> I dreamt last night we bought a farm
>> I painted, ploughed
>> you sowed and reaped
>>
>> I dreamt last night our kids were whole
>> they stood upon
>> the clean dark earth
>>
>> I also dreamt you stood before me
>> I loved you,
>> did no harm
>>
>
>
>
> --
> My Stuff: http://www.badstep.net/
> "I began to warm and chill
> to objects and their fields"
> Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
>
--
My Stuff: http://www.badstep.net/
"I began to warm and chill
to objects and their fields"
Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
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