Another try:
It's a dark night,
a slight moon.
The scar remains,
pale silent stitches
from wrist past elbow.
She held herself
together. She healed.
They used a saw
to remove the cast.
It screamed.
She wakes in the breeze
of the ceiling fan,
sinks into deep
mattresses; the sweetness
of strawberries on tart lemon cake;
the full scent of grass, just mowed,
lying down on its own fresh self;
the soft underwater feel of a tree-
shaded room. Even the smoke
from mountain fires,
the taste of ashes in her mouth.
Even that pleases her, reminds her
that she lives.
On Tue, Jul 15, 2008 at 12:38 PM, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]>
wrote:
> This is an interesting way to go about changing the poem, Sharon. The
> event, & the repercussions, remain the same, however. I think the pertinent
> events, perceptions, are clearer here, but in a way changing form first to
> third person doesnt necessarily make it less of a trad lyric poem. Which is
> fine, as I think that's the kind of poem you tend to write.
>
> I wonder if you can leave 'him' out of the actual writing, not the
> background implied, altogether:
>
> She held herself
>> together.
>>
>
> It's a dark night
>> a slight moon.
>>
>
> Doug
> On 15-Jul-08, at 10:45 AM, sharon brogan wrote:
>
> They used a saw to remove
>> the cast. It screamed. The scar
>>
>> remains, pale silent stitches
>> from wrist past elbow.
>>
>> She held herself
>> together. She healed, his absence
>>
>> a pallid emptiness.
>> It's a dark night, a slight moon.
>>
>> She wakes in the breeze
>> of the ceiling fan.
>>
>> She sinks into deep
>> mattresses; the sweetness
>>
>> of strawberries on tart lemon cake;
>> the full scent of grass, just mowed,
>>
>> lying down on its own fresh self;
>> the soft underwater feel of a tree-
>>
>> shaded room. Even the smoke
>> from mountain fires,
>>
>> the taste of ashes in her mouth.
>> Even that pleases her, reminds her
>>
>> that she lives.
>> --
>>
>
> Douglas Barbour
> [log in to unmask]
>
> http://www.ualberta.ca/~dbarbour/ <http://www.ualberta.ca/%7Edbarbour/>
>
> Latest books:
> Continuations (with Sheila E Murphy)
> http://www.uap.ualberta.ca/UAP.asp?LID=41&bookID=664
> Wednesdays'
>
> http://abovegroundpress.blogspot.com/2008/03/new-from-aboveground-press_10.html
>
> It's the first lesson, loss.
> Who hasn't tried to learn it
> at the hands of wind or thieves?
>
> Jan Zwicky
>
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