Well it could be set to a Bach cantata on a theme of Joe Hill
P music master
-----Original Message-----
From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On
Behalf Of Roger Day
Sent: 05 July 2008 07:43
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: poem
Thank you, your revisions make it a far better *poem*. However, I
invented it as a lyric to a tune, very much a folk lyric, specifically
I borrowed an American tune. If I could sing it to you it would far
sense. I'll think about some more changes.
I dreamt last night we bought a farm
I paint and plough
you sew and reap
I dreamt last night our kids were whole
they stood upon
the clean dark earth
I dreamt last night I stood before you
I gave you love
I did no harm
Roger
On Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 10:46 PM, Frederick Pollack <[log in to unmask]>
wrote:
> ----- Original Message ----- From: "Roger Day" <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Friday, July 04, 2008 4:51 PM
> Subject: poem
>
>
>> I dreamed last night we'd bought a farm
>> I'd paint and plough
>> you'd sow and reap
>>
>> I dreamed last night our kids were whole
>> they stood upon
>> the clean dark earth
>>
>> i dreamed last night I stood before you
>> I gave you love
>> I did no harm
>>
>> --
>
>
> The conditional tense in the first stanza is awkward after the first line.
> Second stanza intriguing, moving, esp. the very weighted word "whole."
Third
> stanza: the two "I"s in line 1 misfire: the "you" may be interested in "I"
> standing before him/her, but the *reader is not. You may not have wanted
> "you stood before me" but it, in contrast, works. "I gave you love" is
both
> stilted and heavy-handed and obscure; how does "giving" someone love
differ
> from "loving"? Last line however is again, like "whole," provocative,
> poignant; sparks reader involvement. Suggest:
>
> I dreamt last night we bought a farm
> I painted, ploughed
> you sowed and reaped
>
> I dreamt last night our kids were whole
> they stood upon
> the clean dark earth
>
> I also dreamt you stood before me
> I loved you,
> did no harm
>
--
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"I began to warm and chill
to objects and their fields"
Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
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