*sigh* I'll think on't.
On Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 10:46 AM, Judy Prince
<[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Hey, R'Owl,
>
> The poem still seems, to me, to be perfect as you first posted it:
>
>
> I dreamed last night we'd bought a farm
> I'd paint and plough
> you'd sow and reap
>
> I dreamed last night our kids were whole
> they stood upon
> the clean dark earth
>
> i dreamed last night I stood before you
> I gave you love
> I did no harm
>
> (Dunno how the above copied-in original will come out once it's been
> petc-ed!)
>
> Re the first stanza, I take it to mean: "I dreamed last night that we had
> bought a farm, and that I would paint and plough, and that you would sow and
> reap." The solid fact of you're having bought the farm, and then your
> hopeful plans for wot you'd both do on the farm, mean much.
>
> I like "dreamed" instead of "dreamt", p'raps bcuz of the nice "feel" and
> pull of the long "e".
>
> I also think that your (non-ego'ed) lower case "i", which starts the last
> stanza, sets up and intensifies the later, sensual "gave you love"-- and,
> combined with "I did no harm", this last stanza and the entire poem signal
> strong desire for real intimacy. This is a compelling poem as you
> originally presented it, and I think it suffers in each of the subsequent
> revisions.
>
> Judy
>
> 2008/7/5 Roger Day <[log in to unmask]>:
>
>> Possible final revision.
>>
>> I dreamt last night we bought a farm
>> I painted and ploughed
>> you sewed and reaped
>>
>> I dreamt last night our kids were whole
>> they stood upon
>> the clean dark earth
>>
>> I also dreamt I stood before you
>> I gave you love
>> I did no harm
>>
>> PS I've been listening to Tom Connors recently
>>
>> On Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 7:43 AM, Roger Day <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>> > Thank you, your revisions make it a far better *poem*. However, I
>> > invented it as a lyric to a tune, very much a folk lyric, specifically
>> > I borrowed an American tune. If I could sing it to you it would far
>> > sense. I'll think about some more changes.
>> >
>> > I dreamt last night we bought a farm
>> > I paint and plough
>> > you sew and reap
>> >
>> > I dreamt last night our kids were whole
>> > they stood upon
>> > the clean dark earth
>> >
>> > I dreamt last night I stood before you
>> > I gave you love
>> > I did no harm
>> >
>> >
>> > Roger
>> >
>> > On Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 10:46 PM, Frederick Pollack <[log in to unmask]>
>> wrote:
>> >> ----- Original Message ----- From: "Roger Day" <[log in to unmask]>
>> >> To: <[log in to unmask]>
>> >> Sent: Friday, July 04, 2008 4:51 PM
>> >> Subject: poem
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>> I dreamed last night we'd bought a farm
>> >>> I'd paint and plough
>> >>> you'd sow and reap
>> >>>
>> >>> I dreamed last night our kids were whole
>> >>> they stood upon
>> >>> the clean dark earth
>> >>>
>> >>> i dreamed last night I stood before you
>> >>> I gave you love
>> >>> I did no harm
>> >>>
>> >>> --
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> The conditional tense in the first stanza is awkward after the first
>> line.
>> >> Second stanza intriguing, moving, esp. the very weighted word "whole."
>> Third
>> >> stanza: the two "I"s in line 1 misfire: the "you" may be interested in
>> "I"
>> >> standing before him/her, but the *reader is not. You may not have
>> wanted
>> >> "you stood before me" but it, in contrast, works. "I gave you love" is
>> both
>> >> stilted and heavy-handed and obscure; how does "giving" someone love
>> differ
>> >> from "loving"? Last line however is again, like "whole," provocative,
>> >> poignant; sparks reader involvement. Suggest:
>> >>
>> >> I dreamt last night we bought a farm
>> >> I painted, ploughed
>> >> you sowed and reaped
>> >>
>> >> I dreamt last night our kids were whole
>> >> they stood upon
>> >> the clean dark earth
>> >>
>> >> I also dreamt you stood before me
>> >> I loved you,
>> >> did no harm
>> >>
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > --
>> > My Stuff: http://www.badstep.net/
>> > "I began to warm and chill
>> > to objects and their fields"
>> > Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
>> >
>>
>>
>>
>> --
>> My Stuff: http://www.badstep.net/
>> "I began to warm and chill
>> to objects and their fields"
>> Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
>>
>
--
My Stuff: http://www.badstep.net/
"I began to warm and chill
to objects and their fields"
Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
|