Hi Andrew
As an aside, my immediate reaction is 'swap ya?' -- after living with
other people forever, I long for this level of peace and quiet!
I think this poem does have merit because it presents a state of mind,
gives us the flavour of how the narrator is feeling without beating us
over the head with it. And the narrator does not describe the
desirable attributes of his distant love, just what is around him. I
rather like it.
Perhaps it would strengthen it to do what you usually tell me to do...
compress the language. And leave some space, some pauses, perhaps line
breaks, to convey the feeling of space and time that permits the
noticing of detail.
Also take out abstractions. The usual thing. Show not tell. For
example don't tell us the house is discontented, just tell us about
its little noises and then we will know it is discontented. Also take
out some of the "I miss you" stuff... same reason... let the action
and detail present the emotion.
working on the detail of a poem is a great way to cheer yourself up, too!
hope this helps
Janet
2008/5/4 andrew burke <[log in to unmask]>:
> I've been fiddling with a poem overnight, to my wife who is on the
> other side of Australia at present, visiting her brothers. But I am
> doubtful as to its merit and feel it needs panel beating in some way.
> Please critique, if you have the time, and return. Thanks.
>
>
>
> MISSING YOU
>
>
> Other side of the nation rather than
> other side of the bed, and all that -
> nothing mysterious about it,
> you know I'm missing you. But
> what I don't understand is how
> the house is missing you. It whispers
> its discontent and keeps me up late
> with its incessant whining. Hear?
> The trick is to turn off, I suppose,
> switch off like the hot element in
> the bedside lamp just goes off
> when I press the plastic button
> at the stem beneath the shade.
> I keep wondering at the physics
> of the real world, not the metaphoric.
> That's life without you, a dozen
> details for each event – bringing in
> _The West Australian_, shaking it
> free of dew, watering your plants,
> then having to take off whatever
> footwear I've had on because
> I've watered them too. Detail.
> Like, I've never noticed atmospheric
> control lights in the refrigerator before.
> Beep, it complained, beep beep. Detail
> like that. I can tell you now, now that
> you are so far away, I can tell you
> how many steps it takes to
> go from front door to letterbox. No
> need to know that, but I do.
> The house rises before me
> and clears every room of any life
> that might be there to join me
> as I rise from this chair, walk out
> and say, 'Hello?' Nobody. I go to
> read your itinerary on the fridge again.
>
> --
>
> Andrew
> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
> http://www.flickr.com/photos/aburke/
>
--
Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]>
www.proximity.webhop.net (Poetry)
www.myspace.com/poetjj (Includes occasional arts & culture blog)
The Line Mine, bulletin board for Perth poetry & spoken word:
[log in to unmask]
groups.yahoo.com/group/thelinemine
Breastfeeding info & help: www.breastfeeding.asn.au
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