haiku are close to my heart, & I'm very fond of your rewrite David.
the unusual length of the original japanese (I wasn't aware that Basho
had moved out of structure so) is well translated into english -- the
length of the second line manages to bring the moment to the brink of
confusion between flower & bee: is it the bee, or the peony that's
emerging from 'depths'? the slowness also suggests the near-static
pace of a flower's bloom.
the word that mars the magic mildly is 'pistil', which strikes me as
too much of a botanist's term. I think 'petals' would work equally
well, or better; although maybe the technicality of the term is
intended to link the bee & the peony biologically, thus reinforcing
the significance of the emerging.
good job there, in any case.
the postmodern rest is lost on me.
KS
On 19/03/2008, David Bircumshaw <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Absolutely Basho
>
> how slow it lets
> a bee emerge from its pistils' depths ~
> the peony
>
> [being theft being
> GOTCHA snap-(ped in the act):
> translated summer]
>
> a retina retainer
> perching on the language:
> a snatch at memory,
>
> a not now stop
>
>
>
>
> --
> David Bircumshaw
> Website and A Chide's Alphabet
> http://homepage.ntlworld.com/david.bircumshaw/
> The Animal Subsides http://www.arrowheadpress.co.uk/books/animal.html
> Leicester Poetry Society: http://www.poetryleicester.co.uk
>
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