Agreeing with Janet, so yes, this moves in the right direction, Sharon.
Doug
On 7-Jan-08, at 8:27 PM, sharon brogan wrote:
> You are right -- twice -- I *am* on a roll, and the end is weak.
>
> Maybe:
>
> ...
>
> You wake in the fog of morning, slanted
> bars of light on the ceiling. These images
>
> wrap the shoulders of your waking hours,
> this shawl you wear through your long days.
>
>
> On 1/7/08, Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>>
>> You're on a roll, Sharon!
>>
>> I like this until the ending where the lost lover/parent/whoever is
>> introduced. For me that reduces the power of the poem, because I
>> think,
>> oh,
>> it's just another lost-love poem, whereas until that point there are a
>> whole
>> range of possibilities.
>>
>> Janet
>>
>>
>>
> --
>
>
> ~ SB | http://www.sbpoet.com | =^..^=
>
>
Douglas Barbour
11655 - 72 Avenue NW
Edmonton Ab T6G 0B9
(780) 436 3320
http://www.ualberta.ca/~dbarbour/
Latest book: Continuations (with Sheila E Murphy)
http://www.uap.ualberta.ca/UAP.asp?LID=41&bookID=664
You need someone to lead you to ruin,
but I'm not the one. See the neighbours.
John Newlove
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