I agree with Doug here... actually, take out i and the poem is much
stronger... i think it's implied well enough with the first line... the
implications become much larger without stating i... the hand... a beautiful
representation of the five-fingered individual...
--
Bob Marcacci
Patriotism is often an arbitrary veneration of real
estate above principles.
- George Jean Nathan
> From: Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]>
> Reply-To: "Poetryetc: poetry and poetics" <[log in to unmask]>
> Date: Thu, 13 Sep 2007 09:09:18 -0600
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Subject: Re: snapshot poem 12 september 2007
>
> There's a power here, Sharon, but perhaps you could render it more
> through the hand rather than that repeated 'I'? That's where my edit
> would go....
>
> Doug
> On 12-Sep-07, at 3:03 PM, sharon brogan wrote:
>
>> this hand is unused to the pen
>> i am awkward, clumsy
>> i drop the glass -- i fall
>> down
>>
>> this garden - neglected
>> fading -- drooping
>> this garden is still
>> beautiful
>>
>> i leap from my dreams
>> i do not walk, i do not
>> pick up after
>> myself
>>
>> i do not look
>> i do not breathe
>> i am clumsy, awkward
>> i drop myself
>>
>> i fall down
>>
>>
>> --
>>
>>
>> ~ SB | http://www.sbpoet.com | =^..^=
>>
>>
> Douglas Barbour
> 11655 - 72 Avenue NW
> Edmonton Ab T6G 0B9
> (780) 436 3320
> http://www.ualberta.ca/~dbarbour/
>
> Latest book: Continuations (with Sheila E Murphy)
> http://www.uap.ualberta.ca/UAP.asp?LID=41&bookID=664
>
> People say they have to express their emotions.
> I'm sick of that. Photography doesn't teach
> you to express your emotions;
> it teaches you how to see.
>
> Berenice Abbott
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