whoa... serious slashing there, Barry... you asked for it, kaspers... happy
to learn about this fish... and Barry's right... Google yielded some
interesting stuff... here's my shake...
river/sea at the beginning? this is a freshwater fish? this fish swims into
body orifices? the poem could be much more vivid with such a reference...
what a great metaphor unexploited here...
ugly punctuation, particularly in the fourth stanza... form could work much
better to also relate your message...
generally unsurprised by use of language... a bit archaic at times but not
used in a fresh way... is it necessary? we need more if it is... water which
gives life is pretty obvious... and you bang on it twice here...
a little caught off guard by the second stanza... are we in meta-poetry
territory? "text" one of many words which feels out of place... are tenses
important?
the fourth stanza beginning with "the devil" could be much stronger... it is
the most important part of the poem...
i expect the individual line to stand up on its own, removed from the poem,
thus an individual line should work quite hard... many lines here are simply
weak, these being the most obvious:
you are not soft <-- how about giving us an image of this
death to you <-- die! cluttered by verbosity
that which we don't see <-- clumsy
and had you, evil fish <-- missed opportunity for a strong birth image
that whatever kills you becomes. <-- weak
incidentally, almost all of them contain the word "you"...
the ending is too comic... everything before is a bit on the
horror/Revelations scale with fire and brimstone and blood... then at the
end we're transferred to a fantasy movie...
write 99 more poems about candirú...
--
Bob Marcacci
Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something
to do, something to love, and something to hope for.
- Joseph Addison
> From: kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]>
> Reply-To: "Poetryetc: poetry and poetics" <[log in to unmask]>
> Date: Fri, 31 Aug 2007 16:35:30 +0300
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Subject: Re: snap 'dire symbol'
>
> irritable coccyx syndrome. you are excused.
>
> so does everyone else have a similar excuse?
> this isn't me being a self-centered attention-hogger, I'm just
> genuinely surprised that nobody wanted to say anything at all about
> the poem I put up. also, what sort of an example are we giving Lynda?
> I'm among the guilty there, I've been meaning to reply to her latest
> piece but with the first week of university I've been a bit tuckered
> out.
>
> everyone get off your asses. I mean coccyxes.
>
> KS
>
> On 31/08/2007, andrew burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>> Yes, today, I am very passive. Went to shoo a dog out of the
>> schoolchildren's way two days ago and ended up flying through the air and
>> landing on my posterior. Very sore coccyx. My back is now also ginger. So my
>> mood is extremely irritable but my programme in life is nowadays to be
>> gentle and kind to my fellow humans. Passive, yes. Still waters run
>> irritably. I may approach your poem tomorrow if football doesn't get too
>> exciting.
>>
>> Andrew
>>
>>
>>
>> On 31/08/2007, kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>>>
>>> well that's passive for you. if you don't have anything at all to
>>> comment about the poem, that's fine. I was just under the impression
>>> that this was a POETRY mailing list.
>>>
>>> KS
>>>
>>> On 31/08/2007, andrew burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>>>> Neither, just didn't know from what was sent.
>>>>
>>>> A
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> On 31/08/2007, kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>> andrew, what did you mean by "did you write that"? was it positive or
>>>>> negative disbelief?
>>>>>
>>>>> anyone else have anything to say?
>>>>>
>>>>> KS
>>>>>
>>>>> On 18/08/2007, andrew burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>>>>>> Did you write that, Kasper?
>>>>>>
>>>>>> On 18/08/07, kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>>>>>>> http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dfr8jjpv_32cgm7xg
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> KS
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> --
>>>>>> Andrew
>>>>>> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
>>>>>> http://www.inblogs.net/hispirits
>>>>>> http://www.flickr.com/photos/aburke/
>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> --
>>>> Andrew
>>>> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
>>>> http://www.inblogs.net/hispirits
>>>> http://www.flickr.com/photos/aburke/
>>>>
>>>
>>
>>
>>
>> --
>> Andrew
>> http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
>> http://www.inblogs.net/hispirits
>> http://www.flickr.com/photos/aburke/
>>
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