----- Original Message -----
From: "Caleb Cluff" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Monday, June 11, 2007 10:23 PM
Subject: Re: "Signor B."
How curious Frederick - I was just starting where you (so more
eloquently) finished...
Caleb
Diphthongs of innocents and expedience
Choose active from neutral
when setting the fuse
Try not to confuse
mistress and muse
Don't cruise loos
with chewy screws
Wear the bruise
in ones and twos
Blues is trues
ooze is news
I like this a lot, except for that first line. It seems to me you should be
committed to the rhyme. Top-of-my-head suggestions: Drop the first line and
put the second at the end of the poem. And instead of "trues," "thews,"
which is a mostly obsolete word but which might work here.
|