In a message dated 5/27/2007 12:21:11 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,  
[log in to unmask] writes:

A little  problem with the scansion -- line 4 has one foot too many. This 
could be  fixed by leaving out the first foot -- "from home" -- which may 
be better  anyway because that's a hard enjambment to get around as it  
stands.

One foot too many in line 5 -- you might try to tighten it  up in the 
middle -- bullets knowing your name is sort of a war movie  cliche. That 
way you could keep the rhyme word at the end.

One too  many in line 7 -- unless you're trying to alternate pentameter 
and  hexameter? But it's not really alternate lines, and that would be a 
lot of  adjustment to ask of a sonnet-reader. You could cut out "city," 
but it's  probably the best word in the line. Maybe "only"? I think you 
cover the  meaning with "be /the /star."

Stanza 2, line 5 -- cutting out "and try"  would solve it.
Line 6 is a foot short.

Line 7 is actually two feet  too long.

The second line of the concluding couplet is a foot  short.


I kinda agree that the language is a little archaic in  spots. "Or shall 
I choose" doesn't quite fit a contemporary poem, and  "Maybe I'll choose" 
would scan just as well.

I very much like the  rhyme scheme of the second stanza -- ABABCDC -- and 
as a result, I miss  the "A" rhyme in the first stanza. Also, and this 
may be gilding the lily,  did you consider making the two "D" lines rhyme 
across  stanzas?

Laura Heidy wrote:
>  
>
>
> Ill  Fated
>  
> So shall I choose to die as young men die  -
> inside the  car when death meets dash and grins
> his  rictus grin - or crouched in sand too  far
> from home and suddenly  aware that no one wins -
> or on a street where  bullets know my  name and why
> I'm there and for one brief and brilliant flash   
> I'll be the only star that lights the city sky?
>
> Or  shall I choose to  live as old man live -
> with palsied limbs and  shuffling gait - with  eyes
> grown dim and ears grown deaf - my  mind a sieve
> that cannot hold unto  the truths or lies
>  which I've held dear no matter how I try and try -  
> With  skipping heart and stiffened lungs
> that even drugs will not  quite  manage to disguise?
>
> I fear free will is just the  final ruse.
> There is  no choice nor shall I  choose.
>
>
>
>
>  ************************************** See what's free at  
http://www.aol.com.
>
>   

-- 
Tad  Richards
http://www.opus40.org/tadrichards/
http://opusforty.blogspot.com/



Thanks, Tad. (and FPollack, too)  What a great help you've  both been.  I was 
aware of most of the irregular meter but there's a  part of me which always 
insists (in the first draft at least) on keeping it  rough.  Unfortunately, I 
always end up liking it that way.  I think I  hear things differently or 
something. 
 
Anyhow, you're right about all of it.  I've done some quick fixes in  the 
recommended places.....Some of it I do like better, some of it I still think  
would be better with the extra foot left in.
 
We'll see.  Meanwhile, thank you again for making me hear what I  needed to 
hear.  
 
I also tried throwing in a rhyme in the two "D" lines....I'm all about  
gilding whenever possible.  :)
 
And just for good measure, I've tried changing the title.....because  there's 
always that "3rd" option no matter how distasteful and I wasn't sure how  mu
ch of a map might be needed.  Alluding is fine, but my own "editor from  hell" 
who lives with me pointed out that I had not said a word or made a mention  of 
that third and ugliest choice.
 
The archaisms probably can't (won't) be helped.  I am fortunate  enough to be 
able to be enough of a pampered recluse that I get away with  not only 
writing in them but in thinking and speaking in them as well.
 
Lo
 
 
 
Suicide 

So shall I choose to die as young men die -
inside the  car when death meets dash and grins
his rictus grin - or crouched in sand too  far
from home, aware too late that no one wins;
Or here, where  bullets know my name and why
I've come - and for one brief and brilliant  flash 
I'll be the star that lights the city sky?

Or shall I choose to  live as old men live -
with palsied limbs and shuffling gait - with  eyes
grown dim and ears grown deaf - my mind a sieve
that cannot hold unto  the truths or lies
which I held dear no matter how I try;  
With tired heart and sagging flesh no cash
or costly drug will heal  or help disguise?

I fear free will is just the final  ruse.
There is no choice save this; And thus I  choose.





************************************** See what's free at http://www.aol.com.