Yes'm, liked it, a lot.
Could I suggest a few cuts, along the lines of 'less is more'? They
are all near the end, which may mean a certain wordiness coming in.
I'd delete 'up', just write 'into pale water'. And that whole
'reacquanting thmeselves with the surface' is too mannered and
extraneous - cut. 'The day passed slowly.' is prosaic and dull: cut.
Bring up 'At dusk' into the penultimate line and you have an evocative
closing line.
I hope you take these suggestions in the light in which they are
given. I really like this poem.
Androo
On 05/04/07, sharon brogan <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> I stepped from my house this morning,
> head crowded with voices from dreams,
> into shivering air, trembling air, symphonies
> of waxwings and robins, a percussion
> of crows ... Why do we enter the future
> with the past in our night pockets? Trees
> shook with squirrel passions; goldfish
> drifted from the pond's dark bottom
> up into pale water, reacquainting themselves
> with the surface. The day passed slowly.
> At dusk the mountains were scarved with mist.
>
>
>
> --
> ~ SB =^..^=
>
> http://www.sbpoet.com
>
--
Andrew
http://hispirits.blogspot.com/
http://www.inblogs.net/hispirits
http://www.flickr.com/photos/aburke/
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