Gavin, I apologise for leaving out the encouraging & the positive; I'm
used to critiquing writers who have been writing for years, & who
already know their strong points. the folks who've replied to this
have some accurate praise & good suggestions; I'd listen to them more,
less to me.
I do want to mention though, that this *is* absolutely better than
your earlier poem; in the minimal enjambment especially.
KS
On 26/03/07, Gavin Fagan <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Loneliest Walk
>
> Silently I sit looking out to sea
> Watching the waves
> Foaming up
> Breaking all around
>
> Remembering those Summer nights
> Bare foot across the sand
> The tide lapping at our feet
> Arm in arm
> Quietly we'd sit
> As the sun
> Slowly sank in the distance
>
> Now the clouds are dark
> Tide no longer
> Lapping at our feet
> Waves angerly lashing
> At the rocks all around
>
> Unhurriedly I stand
> Recalling the dark night
> You left me
>
> Step be step I walk
> Bit by bit I feel the waves
> As they climb
> Until I have only
> A picture of you
> In my mind!
>
> Written by Gavin WM Fagan 2007
>
> Would like feed back on my poem, thanks.
> [log in to unmask]
>
>
> Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com
>
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