Gavin, I agree with most of Kasper's comments, but
wanted to add an encouraging note, which is that this
poem is so much better than the first one you posted.
I also think you're using the listees' criticism very
well. I know from personal experience that it's really
hard to be faced with a no-holds-barred critique like
Kasper's, as opposed to Doug's kindly advice.
Candice
--- kasper salonen <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> you've given up the suffocating structure here,
> which is nice; but the
> same problem of lack of creativity persists.
> I feel as though you've gone specifically for
> clichés & platitudes,
> because this is just a list of them. (also, I'm not
> sure "angerly" is
> a word at all, though in a rare circumstance it
> might be cool)
> if angst must be the inspiration for a poem, it
> should at least be
> disguised & recreated, not just imported.
>
> KS
>
> On 26/03/07, Gavin Fagan <[log in to unmask]>
> wrote:
> > Loneliest Walk
> >
> > Silently I sit looking out to sea
> > Watching the waves
> > Foaming up
> > Breaking all around
> >
> > Remembering those Summer nights
> > Bare foot across the sand
> > The tide lapping at our feet
> > Arm in arm
> > Quietly we'd sit
> > As the sun
> > Slowly sank in the distance
> >
> > Now the clouds are dark
> > Tide no longer
> > Lapping at our feet
> > Waves angerly lashing
> > At the rocks all around
> >
> > Unhurriedly I stand
> > Recalling the dark night
> > You left me
> >
> > Step be step I walk
> > Bit by bit I feel the waves
> > As they climb
> > Until I have only
> > A picture of you
> > In my mind!
> >
> > Written by Gavin WM Fagan 2007
> >
> > Would like feed back on my poem, thanks.
> > [log in to unmask]
> >
> >
> > Send instant messages to your online friends
> http://au.messenger.yahoo.com
> >
>
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