Welcome, Gavin
I think you'll find that most of us here, although certainly not all,
tend to work outside the traditional rhyming forms.
The problems I have with your verse begin with the way most lines feel
end stopped, even when they appear not to be; the scheme also seems to
force you into some awkward phrasing. This can lead to a cliché
feeling & phrasing....
I recall Samuel R Delany writing about prose description & suggesting
that the writer try to see each movement & thing as clearly as
possible; this might help here, although it might also lead away from
rhyme...
Doug
On 23-Mar-07, at 11:51 PM, Gavin Fagan wrote:
> Circled In A Heart
Douglas Barbour
11655 - 72 Avenue NW
Edmonton Ab T6G 0B9
(780) 436 3320
http://www.ualberta.ca/~dbarbour/
Latest book: Continuations (with Sheila E Murphy)
http://www.uap.ualberta.ca/UAP.asp?LID=41&bookID=664
You've got to find some way of saying it
without sayng it.
Duke Ellington
|