Hi Judy,
Just to say, that the 'bone snap' was a reference to the Bishopness - as in
snap the bone off to place it for safe-keeping in a reliquary. It was a cry
of longing really - which (I hope) would be more evident in the context of
the whole poem.
Oh the visions and revisions - and what the poem wants to say changes so
often!
Cindy
----- Original Message -----
From: "Judy Prince" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 11:09 PM
Subject: Re: Reprieving Isaac (was Off Marrickville Road)
> Hi, Cindy,
>
> I like the 1st stanza just as it is----in turns, poignant, hilarious, and
> stark. I don't think it's too talky.
>
> Now I see that for me, your evident tenderness changed dramatically when I
> imagined your snapping his bone (2nd stanza). I couldn't reconcile the
> change in emotions, but I think they're important to represent without
> confusion.
>
> The +how+ of doing that is, of course, the +how+ of doing poetry. I often
> find that brainstorming, ruthless selecting from the bits, and much
> rearranging and refining helps. It reveals to me what I'm really talking
> about as well as how I want to talk about it. And, usually, the process
> decides to stop, so I know I'm finished ;-).
>
> Much best fun with this and your other poetry-writes.
>
> Judy
>
> ---- Cindy Lee <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>> Thanks, Judy, Caleb and Doug. There is such a slag heap of doubt
>> between
>> myself and my work. Now I'm beginning to hear the dragging articles,
>> pronouns etc. in these lines (and the other 80).
>>
>> Judy, my underlying equivocation was not explicit to me until I saw your
>> question. I came to say goodbye to my husband in the Chapel of Rest (a
>> converted garage...). He was a fundamental Atheist. In life, he, too,
>> would
>> have laughed at his Bishopness. The equivocation was simply love and
>> anger.
>> I loved him, and I hated him so much for bringing me to that bizarre room
>> where he couldn't share the joke. In my memory, I have such a sense of
>> drowing in the awful surreality of the place.
>>
>> Crumbs, my mind's taking off with all sorts of possibilities now. And I
>> have the children's stuff to get ready for school.
>>
>> Thank you.
>>
>> Cindy
>>
>> ----- Original Message -----
>> From: "Douglas Barbour" <[log in to unmask]>
>> To: <[log in to unmask]>
>> Sent: Friday, February 02, 2007 4:27 PM
>> Subject: Re: Reprieving Isaac (was Off Marrickville Road)
>>
>>
>> > I'm not worried about 'metre' Cindy, but parts of this intriguing
>> > extract
>> > do seem a bit slow. Although I can't think o too much to cut, beyond
>> > the
>> > 'the' before 'silk'. And I'm not sure how important the "'done up'" is;
>> > a
>> > phrase the other used? If not is it needed?
>> >
>> > The kind of questions I'd ask as an editor....
>> >
>> > Doug
>> > On 1-Feb-07, at 10:54 AM, Cindy Lee wrote:
>> >
>> >> Apologies for the subject line - *'Be prepared to kill your babies'
>> >> (Michael Donaghy's version of the maxim) seemed a bit too extreme for
>> >> a
>> >> subject line...
>> >>
>> >> <On 31/01 Caleb wrote re 'Snap - Off Marrickville Road' : "I ended up
>> >> dumping that line - it didn't really get towards the idea of what <I
>> >> wanted the work to do. And now I've sort of dumped the poem a bit as
>> >> well."
>> >>
>> >> Not completely, I hope. I 'see' the jarring quality of that line, but
>> >> it
>> >> held a truth, to which the jarring seemed appropriate. And that
>> >> probably
>> >> just says that I like the simple and the obvious...
>> >>
>> >> Which brings me to my "stuff". This is an extract from a poem written
>> >> last year which I'm currently revising:
>> >>
>> >> (Later, in that last room,
>> >>
>> >> where only the silk facsimiles of flowers keep you company,
>> >>
>> >> I will find you 'done up' in salmon pink,
>> >>
>> >> lace about your wrist and throat, your wedding ring
>> >>
>> >> a loose halo about the bone.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> These Bishop's clothes will lend you such a godly air,
>> >>
>> >> that laughter at the affront of your coolly
>> >>
>> >> godless self
>> >>
>> >> will vie in my gut with the unbidden urge to
>> >>
>> >> snap that bone for safe-keeping.)
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> As apparent, my grasp of metre has barely improved, so any comments,
>> >> however harsh, would be gladly received. "Gut" is not the 'right'
>> >> word,
>> >> but I don't know what is.
>> >>
>> >> Cindy
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> > Douglas Barbour
>> > 11655 - 72 Avenue NW
>> > Edmonton Ab T6G 0B9
>> > (780) 436 3320
>> > http://www.ualberta.ca/~dbarbour/
>> >
>> > Latest book: Continuations (with Sheila E Murphy)
>> > http://www.uap.ualberta.ca/UAP.asp?LID=41&bookID=664
>> >
>> >
>> > NATURE MORTE
>> >
>> > It's still
>> > life. It
>> > just ain't moving.
>> >
>> > Robert Creeley
>> >
>
|