Judy, Judy, Judy, my car is outside : )
Thank's everyone for all the helpful comments.
1. Inverse should be inverted, i think. Hard to say "stick the
telescope to your eye the wrong end"
2. One less caress
Harry sips schnapps
elides victims
with a cheery smile
and the cold brass
of an inverted telescope
The pleasure wheel circles
questions, answers
gilt promises
gold
gold, chanel and river weed
burnt garlic
scrabble for tin
in a garden of daggers
ice-bound chimes
Shadows spool, congeal
Autumnal leaves pursue
dull deeds with lifeless eyes
A vague voice menaces
with love: "Liebling, liebling."
Her snap-brim says mystery
eyelashes nestle a tear
Comfortable anxiety
eases the day to perpetual dusk
A long leather jacket caresses the step
I order another magnum of champagne
Pekinese dogs and one-armed monkeys
waltz until dawn
I take her arm and Eros
slips a sly arrow
in the grip of a dreary wind
sharp as a coffin
On 9/23/06, judy prince <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Androo---you irrepressible flirt!
>
> Where did I put that Slow Boat to China schedule?
>
> Joody
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "andrew burke" <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Friday, September 22, 2006 9:41 PM
> Subject: Re: Shadows call
>
>
> > Judy - glue your upper plate and smile: ya did good. Right about the
> > two 'caresses', right about 'unsought apology' but I like 'inverse
> > telescope' as a kind of subtextutal winking pun.
> >
> > Thanks, Roger, that was a magnificent redraft!
> >
> > Andrew
> >
> > On 23/09/06, judy prince <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> >> Roger,
> >>
> >> Despite my upper plate slipping at trying to pronounce the first line,
> >> I've
> >> found this poem wonderful: powerfully "downsized" from the original; a
> >> light-mocking narrator who's nevertheless effectively engaged; neat,
> >> sharp
> >> juxtaposed images.
> >>
> >> Only two "Huh?'s" on my list:
> >>
> >> "inverse telescope"
> >> "un-sought apology"
> >>
> >> Oh, and you're allowed only one "caress" per poem (see Prince Rules,
> >> #54),
> >> so I'd suggest keeping the second one---it's fantastic:
> >>
> >> "A long leather jacket caresses the step"
> >>
> >> Judy
> >>
> >>
> >
>
--
http://www.badstep.net/
http://www.cb1poetry.org.uk/
Suspicion breeds confidence
|