Excerpt from the BRISTOLIAN CHRONICLE 28th July 2006:
TWO THOUSAND YEAR OLD RELIC FOUND IN VAN!
Students at a West Country university have found the remains of a two thousand year old relic wedged in a back of a seat in a Ford Transit van. The find, a golden amulet, is believed to have been a ‘motive offering’ to the Celtic goddess ‘Transvania’.
A spokesman for the university said ‘According to Celtic mythology ‘Transvania’ was the goddess of vehicular transport, up until now we thought that just meant chariots but now we know that in the late Iron Age ancient Britons had more advanced ways of getting about.’
This amazing discovery was the result of an innovative PhD research project that was aimed at understanding the true chronology of Transit vans.
According to the internationally renown writer on ancient sciences, Ernie Van Doonigan, “The ‘Transit Van Amulet’ justifies my claim that the internal combustion engine was invented by the Ancient Celts in the 1st millenium BC.” In Van Doonigan’s acclaimed book ‘Cherokees of the Deities’ he illustrates this fact by re-interpreting the ‘Longbridge Hoard’ as not being loom weights but prehistoric spark plugs. Van Doonigan feels that Henry Ford only stole the idea of the Transit van after having spent a weekend at the Ashmolean Museum in their ‘Ancient Celtic Internal Combustion Engine Gallery’ which, due to ‘apparent’ lack of funding, suddenly closed in the early 1900s.
Prof. Cliff A. Bunberry, of Uxford University, is excited by this new discovery. He said “It puts the Roman invasion of 43AD in a new light.” “We always wondered what Cassius Dio meant by ‘cutting’ the ‘Linus Distributus’!” He added “Now we are better informed to the actions of what the auxiliaries were doing when they swam cross the ‘Great River’ and fell upon the parked up British ‘transits’.”
“Further to this” Bunberry added, “it provides us with a plausible explanation for the previous enigmatic inscription on the famous ‘Dagenham Marble’ which reads ‘You can paint it in any colour, so long as it’s woad’.
Bunberry feels that in the light of this new information Eric Van Doonigan’s work should be exonerated and considered as sunstantial evidence that the Iron Age was the ‘Golden Age of Prehistory’.
However his Majestic Lordship of Fagnelf, Master of all he Surveys and much more besides, contests this interpretation. He feels that Bunberry has got far too big for his boots, after all he is only just a minor deity!
So he has issued, whilst dramatically back lit in the most theatrical of all poses, the ordained Right that “The Bronze Age was the Golden Age of British Prehistory, if not of all time!” He divinely comments, “There is ample evidence to suggest that the Transit was a Bronze Age development and no doubt this current research will confirm it.”
The chairperson of the ‘Society of Placenames Ancient and Modern’ stated, “This valuable find has allowed us to re-interpret many place names that until now we thought we were certain of their derivation. Such places as ‘Haverford and Uthercarsaford.”
Toby Robertson, front man for Channel 7’s ‘Chronic Capers’ programme said “It just goes to show that anyone can be an archaeologist!
He added, “This project has been the inspiration for this year’s ‘Chronic Capers Live’ programme where members of the public will be asked to delve into the boots and glove compartments of their cars to see if they can reveal artefacts of the ancient past.”
“We will have lots of specialist on hand for ‘The Big Boot Dig’, as well as providing details on our web-site of how to record any finds in accordance to the AAS.”
A spokesperson for the AAS (Automotive Antiquities Scheme) said, “When recording your find you must indicate specifically where in the car it was found along with a record of the vehicle’s mileage.”
“When excavating your vehicle you should only used a delicate brush and not one of those mini vacuum cleaners that plugs into your cigar lighter socket. The use of the latter contravenes the regulations set out at the ‘Valeter Convention’.
Gerry Broon, of ‘Aurora Detectoralis’, feels, “This is just professional snobbery! This is alienating the honest hobby of the mini vacuum cleaner userist.”
However it should be pointed out that according to the ‘Ancient Motive Act 1984’ it is illegal to use a mini cigar socket powered vacuum cleaner within the curtilage of any Scheduled Auto Motive.
The spokesperson for the university concluded that their discovery went to show the value of this kind of research and that it was great value for money. He said, “One may be swift in criticising our research methods as if they were like some ‘Reality TV show’ but, as they say, if you don’t like the programme you can always change the channel.”
Extract from the Mercian Gazette 26th July 2006 :
TRANSIT VAN STOLEN FROM MUSEUM
West England Police are looking for a Ford transit van that has recently been stolen from a national museum. According to reports the van was stolen in the early hours perhaps as a getaway vehicle after staff found the ‘gang’ rifling through boxes of museum artefacts. A museum spokesman said, “We discovered them rifling through our prized collection of neolithic flint monkey wrenches which were kindly donated to us by Van Doonigan.” He went on to say, “The gang were a rough looking lot, hairy and unkempt with a strange air about them like that of dank socks.”
The police have asked if the van has any distinguishing features that may help the public identify it.
The museum spokesman described it as, “Blue, well originally we think it was, generally tatty with lots of dents, much like any other Ford Transit van. Nothing special about it all.” Then after some hesitation he went on to say, “apart from those curious sythe looking things on the wheels”.
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