Caleb - I am attracted to this poem but distracted by my ideas of line
endings - so, bear with me, will ya?
I'd break at 'around', then after 'the bird' (I presume the next line would
then read 'within the scrub bursts free'). It reads better as a poem for me
then - it's a bit flat the way it is now in those places. And maybe the last
line could read 'the word pierces reality' ...
Just my response.
Andrew
----- Original Message -----
From: "Caleb Cluff" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Thursday, June 22, 2006 10:27 AM
Subject: Snap -very late
So very late - apologies.
The sleeping girl.
Your hands clasped around my arm leave marks
shaped and fleeting as a bird.
My lips pressed against your temple
form but cannot speak the word
Sadness. So like a gasp, as when
the kitchen knife slips, the bird within the scrub bursts free,
The word has pierced fidelity.
Caleb Cluff
Majorca, Vic. 21-22/06/06
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