French Intellectuals to be Deployed in Afghanistan in Latest Effort
Against Terrorism
PARIS (AP) The ground war in Afghanistan heated up yesterday when the
Allies revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French
existentialist philosophers into the country to destroy the morale of
Taliban zealots by proving the non-existence of God.
Elements of the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets',
will be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency
and existential anomie among the enemy. Hardened by numerous
intellectual battles fought during their long occupation of the Left
Bank, their first action will be to establish a number of pavement
cafes at strategic points near the front lines. There they will drink
coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of life and man's
lonely isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied by a number
of heartbreakingly beautiful girls who will further spread dismay by
sticking their tongues in the philosophers' ears while looking remote
and unattainable to everyone else.
Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his
confidence in the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate
Belmondo, a very intense and unshaven young man in a black pullover,
gesticulated wildly and said, "The Taliban are caught in a logical
fallacy of the most ridiculous. There is no God and I can prove it.
Take your tongue out of my ear, Juliette, I am talking."
Belmondo plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's nauseating
freedom of action with special reference to the work of Foucault and
the films of Alfred Hitchcock. However, humanitarian agencies have
been quick to condemn the operation as inhumane, pointing out that the
effects of passive smoking from the Frenchmen's endless Gitanes could
wreak a terrible toll on civilians in the area.
Speculation was mounting last night that Britain may also contribute
to the effort by dropping Professor Stephen Hawking into Afghanistan
to propagate his non-deistic theory of the creation of the universe.
Other tactics to demonstrate the non-existence of God will include the
dropping of leaflets pointing out the fact that Michael Jackson has a
new album out and Jesse Helms has not died yet. This is only one of
several psy-ops programs mounted by the Allies.
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