I was much amused by this myself, I decided to do a little spoof myself (
with advance apologies to Alison, Jill, Chris and Josephine- this is just a
joke)

A British Visitors Guide to Aus

First of all, the tourist must be aware of the danger of concentration camps
or deportation on entering the country. Customs or immigration control is
horrible. Also, the roads are alarmingly wide and have undressed zebra
crossings. The worst threat of all, to the Innocent Brit, is that the food
and coffee are everywhere good, in public, an unexpected experience from
anyone suffering the Brit excuse for a cuisine, although it has to be paid
for with waterproof money, which is odd in the driest continent in the
world, especially for a rain-soggy Brit, plus the fact that the pubs are
mostly crap, which is a real shock, Aussies have the reputation of big
boozers but in reality they all drink like cissies from little glasses of
weak beer. One can wait weeks to hear anyone say 'fair dinkum' in public and
virtually nobody has a suntan, Bondi Beach is almost the last place on earth
you'd see an Aussie. Their television is almost totally awful, except for
some imports, and the practical advice of Russell Coyte. Their poets are
suprisingly good, considering that this is a culture that worships
Australian Rules football, a game obviously intended to increase attendances
at accident and emergency wards, although the tourist should be aware that
certain distinguished poets can't cook to save their, or anyone elses,
lives, except for their sponge puddings, which are safe to approach.

It is also f-ing big, so big a Brit might be bewildered.


And the police wear guns. Yikes.


Best

Dave


David Bircumshaw

Leicester, England

Home Page

A Chide's Alphabet

Painting Without Numbers

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/david.bircumshaw/index.htm
----- Original Message -----
From: "Árni Ibsen" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Saturday, October 19, 2002 2:30 AM
Subject: Re: america


Thank you, Douglas Clark for that excellent post. It puts things into
perspective, somewhat, at least. It sets my head straight as far as
relations between like-languages are concerned. This recalls the
ever-curious-silly-and-humorous relations between Icelandic and Faroese. We
use a lot of the same words, but they rarely mean the same thing. Dancing
cheek to cheek in Faroese sounds like two skeletons making out, for
instance. And when an Icelander in The Faroe Islands says he or she is going
to have a lie down or a rest for abit it sounds distinctly offensive to the
Faroese. 'I'm going to masturbate for an hour or so'. And it's not at all
what the Icelander meant.

Best

Árni


--
Árni Ibsen
Stekkjarkinn 19,
220 Hafnarfjördur,
Iceland

tel.: +354-555-3991
e-mail: [log in to unmask]
http://www.centrum.is/~aibsen/





on 10/18/02 7:40 PM, Douglas Clark at [log in to unmask] wrote:

> I thought this was quite fun, I reckoned some of you might enjoy it as
well...
>
>
> A Completely Factual Guide for First Time American Visitors to Britain
>
> "I keep getting mail from  students who ask my advice on travelling
> and researching in the UK, so I finally decided to compile a little
> guidebook containing my accumulated wisdom on the subject. I do
> fervently hope that someone will put it to good use"
>
> Vocabulary
>
> The British have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
> "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to
> the pub but I haven't got any goolies."
>
> "Quid'' is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling", the
> equivalent of seventeen cents American.
>
> Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers."   If
> you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser";  he
> will be touched and show his appreciation in a typically fulsome British
> manner.
>
> The British are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people,
> and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances
> and tossers when you walk down the street.   Public nuzzling and licking
> are also encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.
>
> Habits
>
> Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with
> Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental
> customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two- or three-hour
> siesta, which they call a "wank".   As this is still a fairly new
> practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm
> clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from
> Greenwich).   If you are late for supper, simply apologize and explain
> that you were having a wank;  everyone will understand and forgive you.
>
> Universities
>
> University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by
> quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition;  hence
> patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots
> and a small knife for sharpening their pens.   Observing these customs
> will signal the librarians that you are "in the know", one of the inner
> circle, as it were, for the rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere
> in the library.
>
> Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks when he
> brings a manuscript you've requested, a practice dating back to the
> reign of Henry VI.
>
> One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or
> Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed
> boats, which you propel using a long pole.   This is known as
> "cottaging".   Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately
> owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the
> public by the hour.   Just tell a professor or policeman that you are
> interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the
> public yerinals are.   The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to
> protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of cooking
> oil and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way
> people will know you are an experienced cottager.
>
> Food
>
> British cuisine justifiably enjoys a well deserved reputation as the
> most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man.   Thanks to today's
> robust dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out
> several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth
> interrupting your afternoon wank for).
>
> Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the
> UK.   The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her
> Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE).   When you
> go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't
> settle for anything less.   If he balks at your request, custom dictates
> that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your
> eyes to show him who is boss.   Once the waiter realizes you are a
> person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the
> restaurant's list of exquisite British wines.
>
> If he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on
> the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia -- try an Ely
> '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed.   When the bill for your meal
> comes it will show a suggested amount.   Pay whatever you think is fair,
> unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply
> walk out;  the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab
> for you.
>
> Policing
> Since the start of the British police system by Sir Robert (Bobby) Peel,
> all policemen have been recruited from men named Robert.
> Hence if you need a policeman for directions or any information,
> it is always easy just to walk up to one and say
> "Bobby, i need some assistance". The police are obligated to assist
> no matter what else they may be doing at the time. If a policeman
> is not available on the streets, you may simply flag down
> a passing police car and ask them.
>
> Transportation
>
> Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government.   A taxi
> ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel.   If a
> taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you
> charlatan!", then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested.
>
> It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are
> required to make detours at patrons' requests.   Just board any bus, pay
> your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-coloured coins are "pence"), and
> state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me to
> the British Library".   A driver will frequently try to have a bit of
> harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination.
> Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he
> know you're not so ignorant!).
>
> Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently
> moved to a new location at Kew.   Kew is a small fishing village in
> Wales.   It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff;  once there,
> ask any local about the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew.   (Don't
> forget that buses are called "prams" in Britain, and trains are called
> "bamboo shoots";  it's a little confusing at first.   Motorcycles are
> called "lorries" and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the
> "off-license".   It's also very important to know that a ``doctor'' only
> means a PhD in England, not a physician.   If you want a physician, you
> must ask for an "MP" (which stands for "master physician").
>
> For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Underground
> ("Tube") may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you
> are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still
> travel free of charge on the Tube.
>
> In summer, London Transport run special Open Top Sightseeing Tube
> trains.   Not all stations are open at all times, though.   Some of the
> lesser used ones have to be opened by appointment.   Therefore, should
> you wish to use Oxford Circus, Tottenham Court Road or Victoria Stations
> (or Leicester Square during the late evening) you should apply at least
> 24 hours in advance to any underground station asking to have "Oxford
> Circus Station opened specially for me tomorrow".
>
> Admission to the tube system is by token.   Simply take some tokens from
> the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will
> find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians.
>
> Once on the platform, though, beware!   Approaching trains sometimes
> disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels.   The Gappes
> were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs
> and have proved impossible to exterminate.   The announcement "Mind the
> Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the
> ceiling.   Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and
> they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent
> means of transportation.   (If you have difficulty locating the Tube
> station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and ask one of the
> full-time attendants where you can catch the bamboo shoots.)
>