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Move on, Bill - accept your first draft and fickle it for editing maybe later. Write another first draft - don't linger. Soon you'll go back and see it more objectively - then you can edit it. & have one more poem to edit ... The Old Man has spoken ... Andrew On Fri, 15 Nov 2019 at 13:42, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]> wrote: > Thanks, Doug. I have had a go at rewriting this using the rhyme scheme > Frost used on Stopping by Woods but at this stage the rhymes (a,a,b,a) look > too forced and it looks like I am suggesting JJ suicided, which is not the > case as far as I know. I do think the Frosty guy in the cart may be > contemplating such however. > > Bill > > On Thu, 14 Nov 2019 at 3:20 am, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]> > wrote: > > > A moving metaphor in the real, Bill, & layered as Sheila says… > > > > Doug > > > > > On Nov 13, 2019, at 3:37 AM, Bill Wootton <[log in to unmask]> > > wrote: > > > > > > Could be right, Patrick. > > > > > > Might go with: > > > > > > Ten year shirt 2 > > > > > > > > > How could I have known > > > > > > that this shirt, > > > > > > dark and unremarkable, > > > > > > would outlive the Timorese boy > > > > > > who said Cool shirt, Sir, > > > > > > ten years ago > > > > > > when I wore it for the first time > > > > > > into the High Achievers > > > > > > Year 8 class at Resa High? > > > > > > > > > It took Facebook > > > > > > to tell me that JJ > > > > > > had drowned, > > > > > > years after leaving school, > > > > > > having established himself > > > > > > as a lively hiphop performer. > > > > > > > > > His older sister Tina, > > > > > > electing to ‘do an oral’ > > > > > > on the contentious issue > > > > > > of refugee boat arrivals, > > > > > > had deftly leaned the lectern > > > > > > all the way to the floor, > > > > > > before straddling the stand > > > > > > and mock rowing throughout > > > > > > her presentation. > > > > > > > > > Shirt now faded and frayed, > > > > > > one slight tear in the pocket > > > > > > but still fit for gardening. > > > > > > Is it, I recall JJ asking, > > > > > > when it came time for him > > > > > > to do his oral, > > > > > > OK to sing it? > > > > > > > > > My word it was. > > > > > > > > > Bill > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Bill > > > > Douglas Barbour > > [log in to unmask] > > https://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/ > > > > Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations & Continuations > > 2 (UofAPress). > > Recording Dates (Rubicon Press). > > Listen. If (UofAPress): > > > > > > Swept snow, Li Po, > > by dawn’s 40-watt moon > > to the road that hies to office > > away from home. > > > > Lorine Niedecker > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ######################################################################## > > > > To unsubscribe from the POETRYETC list, click the following link: > > https://www.jiscmail.ac.uk/cgi-bin/webadmin?SUBED1=POETRYETC&A=1 > > > > ######################################################################## > > To unsubscribe from the POETRYETC list, click the following link: > https://www.jiscmail.ac.uk/cgi-bin/webadmin?SUBED1=POETRYETC&A=1 > -- Andrew http://hispirits.blogspot.com/ Books available through Walleah Press http://walleahpress.com.au ######################################################################## To unsubscribe from the POETRYETC list, click the following link: https://www.jiscmail.ac.uk/cgi-bin/webadmin?SUBED1=POETRYETC&A=1