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Agree with Bill, not least on your recovery (& Banjo’s), Andrew.

But it seems to me that some trimming will help throughout. And check whether you want caps or not at the beginning of all lines, as it’s not clear now. I do like that final image.

Doug
> On Oct 5, 2016, at 4:06 AM, Andrew Burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> 
> Thanks, Bill - thanks, Patrick. Still working on it!

Douglas Barbour
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https://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/

Recent publications: (With Sheila E Murphy) Continuations & Continuations 2 (UofAPress).
Recording Dates (Rubicon Press).

Four or five couplets trying to dance
into Persia. Who dances in Persia now?

A magic carpet, a prayer mat, red.
A knocked off head of somebody on her broken knees.

		Phyllis Webb