 |
 |
Bill, I thank you for this idea, and find it works well. Glad to receive and apply this fine suggestion. Sheila On Aug 19, 2015 12:22 AM, "Bill Wootton" <[log in to unmask]> wrote: > Intriguing, Sheila. I thought at first the poem was about a bushfire. > Otherwise how can rising smoke 'sound'? But, no, it is a 'gentle > afternoon'. Whether you adopt Andrew's suggestion or not, I like the final > stanza best, although would you consider replacing the comma after 'heard' > in line 15 with a semi-colon? The whole stanza sounds so circular and reads > so beautifully. > > Bill > > > On 19 Aug 2015, at 12:28 pm, Andrew Burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote: > > > > I like it, Sheila, for its centredness, surprisingly: She is the centre > and > > they are outer perimeter. Reading it like this, I'd like to move the last > > verse first. Before you say 'no', try it. I think it works nicely. > > > > Andrew > > Peripheral poet > > > >> On 19 August 2015 at 11:39, Sheila Murphy <[log in to unmask]> > wrote: > >> > >> Where she is, they are > >> indistinguishable from the sound > >> of thin smoke rising > >> to the heat of afternoon > >> > >> Where they are, trees are, > >> along the warm cement wall > >> where they sit, and where she smokes > >> the slender brand, this gentle afternoon > >> > >> Where they speak, they do not hear > >> smoke rise toward the blue > >> behind lace branches where the shadow > >> mimics slight moves of receiving branches > >> > >> Where she listens, her small breath > >> is heard, not smoke, not voice, > >> not thin wind, just the blend > >> of each one being where they are > >> > >> Sheila E. Murphy > > >