I just felt it did, as if it became an address to someone in the final stanza, an apostrophe, & had not been that before.
And I wondered if you needed all the 'is's & 'are's in st 1...
Doug
On Nov 13, 2013, at 10:53 AM, Lawrence Upton <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> I'll certainly think on that. I agree there's a change but I am not sure
> what you mean by the shift from one to you; so I am not sure what it is I'd
> be editing out. (I'd be quite capable at that point of writing "looking
> closer, one sees..." & it's nufffin to do with her maj. you know
>
> anyway, i shall look again at it. i found it in my domestics file this
> morning where it slipped when i wrote it some months ago and has evaded
> attention
>
> best
>
>
>
>
>
> On 13 November 2013 17:40, Douglas Barbour <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>
>> I like it, perhaps because it too seems so formal(ized)?
>>
>> But the address seems different in the final stanza, Lawrence, a shift
>> from 'one' to 'you' implied, but I'm not sure how or why. There's a stasis
>> of the 'is' in the first 2, & I wonder if you can edit a bit of that out?
>>
>> Doug
>> On Nov 13, 2013, at 5:09 AM, Lawrence Upton <[log in to unmask]>
>> wrote:
>>
>>> Facets of this river are boxed away
>>>
>>> and rarely seen but as humdrum imagery.
>>>
>>> It is decoration that is wanted,
>>>
>>> released as what is seen as cool;
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> and so one stands near the fountain, to stare
>>>
>>> over a field of pools, in profusion,
>>>
>>> quietly wondering why it has been set here,
>>>
>>> pleased nevertheless for certain calm.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Yet, now look closer and regard them well:
>>>
>>> watch how lines are drawn momentarily
>>>
>>> by and into water itself, a mode of dance,
>>>
>>> constructing space and edges within it,
>>>
>>> without ever stacking what it collects
>>>
>>> to distort or divert the visible meaning.
>>>
>>
>> Douglas Barbour
>> [log in to unmask]
>>
>> http://www.ualberta.ca/~dbarbour/
>> http://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
>>
>> Latest books:
>> Continuations & Continuations 2 (with Sheila E Murphy)
>> http://www.uap.ualberta.ca/UAP.asp?LID=41&bookID=962
>> Recording Dates
>> (Rubicon Press)
>>
>> Art is always the replacing of indifference by attention.
>>
>> Guy Davenport
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>
Douglas Barbour
[log in to unmask]
http://www.ualberta.ca/~dbarbour/
http://eclecticruckus.wordpress.com/
Latest books:
Continuations & Continuations 2 (with Sheila E Murphy)
http://www.uap.ualberta.ca/UAP.asp?LID=41&bookID=962
Recording Dates
(Rubicon Press)
Art is always the replacing of indifference by attention.
Guy Davenport
