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Great piece, and I did not mind the line breaks, from the first line, first few lines, particularly. Did not mind them at all. J On 06/02/2013, at 8:39 PM, Lawrence Upton wrote: > > > I'd say why not? Well, I have said it now; but I don't mean it to > sound rude or aggressive. Genuine question, but could sound > dismissive. > > Of course line breaks have to work. Just breaking lines does not a > poem make. > > Yet I don't think I have done my best with these line breaks. It *is > prosy writing, more so than much of mine -- that's working with my > friend Richard, I think; -- and nowt wrong with that, says you. (For > some reason I have a desire to speak like Long John Silver.) And I > could have done more with the breaks in terms of meaning and utterance > not just chopping it into lengths > > maybe breaking after "turned" and after "her", for instance. That's > off the top of my head from memory of what went through my mind and > was allowed to wander off > > In truth, I rushed my writing on this a bit Too many unavoidable > non-poetry things pushing in on my attention. So I'm grateful for your > comment; I'll look at it again. I think it's worth a bit more effort. > > Glad you like it. I have a related one about ducks that you may get > next week; but this one has more in it -- and I've been thrashing > around a bit of late in terms of what I have posted here -- again, > divided attention, either that or early onset... I like to think I > have been overdoing it rather than not being able to do it > > Time'll tell > > best > > L > > > > ----- Original Message ----- > From: "Poetryetc: poetry and poetics" > To: > Cc: > Sent:Wed, 6 Feb 2013 19:20:28 +1100 > Subject:Re: snap > > Held me start to finish. Why cut it into lines? It would read well as > a > prose poem. > > Andrew > > On 6 February 2013 17:48, Lawrence Upton wrote: > >> >> >> Thanks, Sheila. I appreciate that >> >> L >> >> ----- Original Message ----- >> From: "Poetryetc: poetry and poetics" >> To: >> Cc: >> Sent:Tue, 5 Feb 2013 23:34:29 -0700 >> Subject:Re: snap >> >> Beautiful piece >> >> On Tue, Feb 5, 2013 at 10:44 PM, Lawrence Upton >> wrote: >> >>> >>> >>> Crossing the low dune to the beach, the dog >>> >>> turned west. That seemed deliberate. I gave >>> >>> her some slack; and was pulled, following, to see >>> >>> many gulls in gaggle at the head, a spit, >>> >>> and the gulls were spitting! so, possibilities >>> >>> of beached fish. As we neared, they all skittered >>> >>> and rose; the dog leapt into a big rush -- >>> >>> a fair-sized southern whiting pecked half clean >>> >>> on gull-foot-trampled sand, and she galloping off -- >>> >>> And seemed reluctant to return. At last >>> >>> came back to see what I was pointing to. >>> >>> She sniffed but was unsure. Too much spattering >>> >>> of grit? It never bothered her before -- >>> >>> I bent down, inhaling; and lifted it; >>> >>> half fish, its bottom side still unblemished, >>> >>> smelling fresh to me; tossed it into waves, >>> >>> the dog after it, jumping in, sniffing; >>> >>> and, after some minutes, she thrust her head >>> >>> underwater, and pulled it out, dropped it >>> >>> at the sea edge and danced away and back and >>> >>> around but never touched the corpse again. >>> >>> Richard Kessling / Lawrence Upton >>> >>> >>> >> >> > > -- > Andrew > http://hispirits.blogspot.com/ > 'Undercover of Lightness' > http://walleahpress.com.au/recent-publications.html > 'Shikibu Shuffle' > http://abovegroundpress.blogspot.com.au/2012/03/new-from-aboveground-press-shikibu.html >