 |
 |
you do not offend! thank you. i was wondering if this was worth tampering with. ~ Sharon http://www.sbpoet.com 406.578.1788 Contact Me [image: Flickr] <http://www.flickr.com/photos/sbmontana/> Chat [image: Google Talk] sbpoet [image: Skype] sbpoet On Wed, Dec 12, 2012 at 7:15 PM, Andrew Burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote: > Sharon - it is already a good poem, but I just have some aspects I'd like > to tamper with. Drop the first two lines: they are almost cliche. And some > advectives prove extraneous and the poem would be stronger without them. > Here's my version: > > > You sit in a dim room > holding your cat. > Her heart beats against > the palm of your hand. > > You turn the lights down. > Windows darken to black. > > She gasps for life, then > does not breathe. > gasps again. You find > > you're in the hospice room, > voices on the other side > of the door. You listen > > to your mother’s breathing. > This tabby manx has kept you > company for seventeen years. > > Tomorrow she will not wake you. > * > > I can't write a shopping list at present, so I tamper with yours. I hope I > don't offend. > > Andrew > > > On 13 December 2012 02:43, Patrick McManus <[log in to unmask] > >wrote: > > > Caught woven the sad moments > > > > -----Original Message----- > > From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On > > Behalf Of sharon brogan > > Sent: 07 December 2012 04:18 > > To: [log in to unmask] > > Subject: snap > > > > *Each day passes the next > > like ghosts in a dark hallway. > > > > You sit in this dim room > > holding your dying cat. > > Her heart beats against > > the palm of your hand. > > > > You turned the lights down. > > The windows darken to black. > > > > She gasps for life, then > > does not breathe, then > > gasps again. You find your- > > > > self in the hospice room, > > quiet voices on the other side > > of the door. You listen > > > > to your mother's breathing. > > This tabby manx has kept you > > company for seventeen years. > > > > Tomorrow she will not wake you. > > > > > > * > > > > -- > > sharon brogan > > http://www.sbpoet.com > > http://www.sbpoet.net > > http://smallpoems.sbpoet.net > > 406.578.1788 > > > > > > -- > Andrew > http://hispirits.blogspot.com/ > 'Undercover of Lightness' > http://walleahpress.com.au/recent-publications.html > 'Shikibu Shuffle' > > http://abovegroundpress.blogspot.com.au/2012/03/new-from-aboveground-press-shikibu.html > -- sharon brogan http://www.sbpoet.com http://www.sbpoet.net http://smallpoems.sbpoet.net 406.578.1788