I went out for a swim on the streets this morning about 4:30 into the inky, humid darkness. It wasn't but a couple of blocks that I was wondering about Barbara. A few days ago, Barbara had called--again. This is just about how part of our conversation went. Just don't hold me to word for word. "Barbara,' I chuckled, "I'm starting to feel like a blueberry bush that you feel you can pick over and over whenever you're hungry."
"You bet," she answered with a counter-chuckle. "I have a question for you, Schmier. My teacher up here exploded on me because I answered something wrong and told me in class in front of everyone in no uncertain terms that I'm wrong to think I can be a teacher. How that f*** would he know. He's such a shit. He's not a real teacher even if he gives out the grades!
"So, where's the question?" I interrupted.
"It was the look on his face and the disrespectful tone in his voice. He made me think I didn't think I have what it takes. I left the class in tears and have this sudden 'what's wrong with me' feeling."
"Did he make you think or you did you make you think?" I interrupted again.
"I know, but he's always so cold and smileless and negative about us. He picks on lots of others in the class. Yesterday was my day. What would you say to him?"
My simple, but challenging, answer was, "Nothing."
"What do you mean 'nothing?"
I could hear her surprised and disappointed tone as she screeched in my ear. "It's not what I would say to him; it's what I'm going to say to you.
"What's that?"
"Just this. Do what I tell you to do and then get back to me. Go into your room tonight with some matches and a candle. Close the drapes or blinds. Turn off the lights. No IPod. Just sit there for a few minutes in the silent darkness. Then, strike a match, look around, and blow it out. Then, strike another match, light the candle, hold it, look around, and think. Get back to me tomorrow and tell me what happened."
"What? I don't get it."
"Just do it."
"You're crazy. But, I know you've got something up your sleeve. Ok."
We hung up. Next day, Barbara called. "What happened? I asked.
"I did what you told me to do."
"And?"
"The room wasn't dark anymore."
"So what did you learn?"
She paused, and answered in the form of a question as if she was s contestant on Jeopardy, "That the dark can't stand up to even one small match or a lit candle?"
"And?"
Another pause. "That I am my own match and candle, and no one can snuff it out and put me into the dark except me?" she slowly and hesitatingly answer as another question.
"So?"
"So, I always have to light and keep my own candle lit to keep the dark away?"
"Lesson learned," I calmly said. "Now, I admit that's not easy, especially day after day. It's like fighting a constant war against people who want to make you into someone who they want you to be, maybe even a war against yourself. But, it's worse if you admit defeat, stop believing who you are capable of becoming, let the fun and joy go out, let them or you snuff out your candle, and throw you into the dark. That's why you're calling me, isn't it, to light your candle for you after you let that professor snuffed out your flame?'
Silence. And then a meek "Yes."
"Well, I can't. You've got to do it. I can offer you a match, supply the candle, and maybe even show you how to strike the match and put the flame to the wick, but in the end you've got to strike the match, light the candle, and keep it from getting blown out. You've got to stop taking crap from yourself. When you do, you won't take it from anyone else. You've got to change the conversation you have with yourself. You've got to watch your words. You've got to go from using negative, unflattering and unsupportive words to using positive, affirming, and encouraging ones. You've got to strengthen yourself, and you do it one word at a time, one step at a time, one talk with yourself at a time, one day at a time, day after day after day. And, while you're doing that, remember what we said in class over and over and over again: never forget that you are a human being; that means you're a "human becoming;" and that a 'human becoming' is a 'becoming being,' not an 'am being.' I'm not sure you've lit an eternal inner flame to chase away the darknesses of your 'I can't' or 'I don't know how' or 'It's not me' or 'I don't think' or 'He thinks.' But, you can. You can if you get yourself into a daily spiritual and emotional workout program, if you reach out and stretch again and again and again, if you venture out again and again and again, if you discover again and again and again. You have to learn, improve, grow, and transform again and again and again."
"How do I do that?"
"Wonder. You wonder. You wonder about yourself first and then or as you wonder about others. You fill your 'wonder-low' or 'wonder-empty' gas tank until its 'wonder-full.' Then, watch what will happen to you."
I went on to tell her what I've learned about wonder, that part of my epiphany twenty years ago was when I siphoned off my low octane "fear-full" tank and filled it up with energizing, high octane "fear-less" wonder, things took off. In fact, "wonder" is a neat word to add to MY DICTIONARY OF GOOD TEACHING. Wonder is a "what if," a "why not," a "let's see" way to be guided by a fear less positive, confident, encouraging, and expanding 'yes' rather than go by a fear more, knee jerk, negative, constricting, cowering 'no.' Wonder is a way of 'yesing.' Wonder is a remover of barriers and builder of bridges. Wonder is a seed planter. Wonder is an energy giver. Wonder is a life giver to dreams. Wonder is a penetrator Wonder is an enhancer. Wonder hones in on the often overlooked. Wonder transforms the ordinary into the meaningful. Wonder cleanses, refreshens, and rearranges. Wonder is a happy giver. It's second only to loving, but it has all the elements of loving: connection, passion, belief, kindness, faith, empathy, compassion, hope, joy, freedom. It's the art of deep observation and experience; it's, as someone said, learning with passion and living with purpose, and enjoying every moment of it. Wondering has the power of attentiveness, that is, of paying attention, of broadening your emotional and physical vision, of seeing rather than just looking, of listening rather than merely hearing, of engaging all your senses to take in all the details. It places you in the here and now place. It heightens being silent, being curious, being accepting, being embracing, being open, being aware. It slows you down. It "deblurs" and sharpens, allowing you to take all this in. Wondering lights you up and banishes the darknesses of prejudice, judgment, and certainty.
So, as I told her, "Wonder makes you the original writer instead of merely a recording stenographer. It makes you the playwright instead of the actor reading lines. Every morning I joyfully get up and wonder, 'What am I going to experience today?' 'What will I give today?' I ask myself, 'What makes my heart sing and my spirit dance?' 'What makes me shine?' Today, the answer to all those questions is your phone call, and the best gift I can give you at this moment is my time, my noticing, my attention, my caring."
I told that she had to use wondering to do the same with herself, to grow into an understanding that will give her her own matches and candles: grow into confident light; grow into a vision; grow out of a rut; grow into changes; grow into improvements; grow into her imagination and creativity, grow into growing.
"This is where you were always coming from every day in class with everything you and we did," she said. "It's in your Teacher's Oath and all that other stuff you sent me."
"You got it. Read them, think about them, feel them, live them. And as you do, remember this and only this: where your attention goes, so goes you; and, as someone said, wherever you go, there you are. Your potential for being a great teacher is not where you are, but where you will go, where you will be, and who you will be. Make 'I wonder and' 'becoming' and 'can,' not 'am' and 'can't,' an uncompromising daily state of your heart. Your mind and body will follow. Do it with complete self-respect and respect of others; do it constantly so nothing and no one are neglected and excluded from your awareness of your surroundings, and is beyond your earshot, eyesight, and, above all, your heartsight. Do it with passion and purpose, not merely with a 'going through the motions.' Get curious, get involved, get interested. Be amazed, be enthusiastic, be loving, be happy, be serious. When you raise yourself up, you raise up the whole world around you, just like the flame of a candle. Do it and you'll not only start going to the place of a great teacher, but you'll also find the way to becoming a good person. You know what? To help you, I'm sending you a present."
"What is it?" she giggled.
"Not telling. Its something I want you to read--slowly--every day over and over and over again. Each time read it as if it's the first time you're reading it. Take every word to heart. Take every word into your heart and soul. Let every word seep into every fiber of your being. And, screw whatever negative vibes your teacher up there or anyone else may send out. Stop tuning into his negative frequency and that of others! This reading will help you tune into your own positive frequency, help you find your own matches, help you light your own candle, help you become a 'she-ro' to yourself--and later to others. Do that and no one--no one--not even you, can ever snuff out your candle and keep you in the dark.
.
And, we talked some more. And, then I went back to my flowers. Oh, by the way, my present to Barbara is a copy of Dr. Seuss' OH, THE PLACES YOU'LL GO.
Make it a good day
-Louis-
Louis Schmier http://www.therandomthoughts.edublogs.org
Department of History http://www.therandomthoughts.com
Valdosta State University
Valdosta, Georgia 31698 /\ /\ /\ /\ /\
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