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the bohemian spirit in these lines is great. it's narrative, but not obnoxiously or too selectively. the only suggestion I have is to make line 29 "what we were cooking". KS On 22 June 2010 18:16, andrew burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote: > I've been trying to write a poem for a competition - jazz poem for > 'extempore' magazine. This came up, which isn't a competition winner > type poem, but still I think has some value. In saying that, I feel it > still can be improved a lot, so I throw it in the ring to see if you > have any ideas. One thing you may not know is, 'Salt Peanuts' was a > hit for Dizzy Gillespie decades back, and some bop bands use it as a > sign-off piece at the end of brackets. > > Breakfast Nowhere Special (title) > > Greasy spoon breakfast > in a wintry café at dawn. We play > dark corners, big towns, > little towns, by the perennial park where > the war memorial stands and the homeless > drink. A bleak life with scant reward — > they’re escaping nine-to-five, > the rat race, just like us. We play > hard bop born in a USA cellar. > Last night we were Miles and Trane, > Elvin and Monk — now we’re shrinking > into our own skins, mumbling > smoky midnight echoes, Phoebe with us, > androgynous, on edge, in > catsuit and wig. George reckons > she’s a guy, and Jean-Paul is > writing her into a suite. We’re > coming down over beans and bacon, > tipping whisky into our tea when > the guy’s not looking. Shades hide our eyes > where smoke and stage lights > left bleeding tracks. Our > next stop is a regional centre, built > for ballet and opera but needing > funds. Cash is always popular. > ‘Yeah! Salt peanuts!’ Paul shouts, > slapping the table, and we all laugh. > We want the world to know > we were cooking last night, > we were _someone_ up there. Now, here, > paradiddling in a drear city dawn, > we hang out to keep > the dream drumming. > > * > > All comments welcome. > > PS: With Hal's permission I put his poem up on my blog.Take a look if > you have a moment. > > Andrew > http://hispirits.blogspot.com/ > 'Mother Waits for Father Late' republished available at > http://www.picaropress.com/ > http://www.qlrs.com/poem.asp?id=766 > http://frankshome.org/AndrewBurke.html >