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The competition set in the /Spectator/ a couple of weeks ago was to recast 'If' addressed to women. Members may be tickled by some of the winning entries. 1. If you can change a wheel when all about you Are in despair -- and free the blocked up loo; If you can drain the sump when your man doubts you, And praise him when he lights the barbecue; If you can calmly find the things he loses, His bank card, glasses, passport and his keys Or keenly watch the channel that he chooses, And nurse him when he gives the slightest sneeze: If you can fix the laptop when it crashes And understand and fill in tax returns; Discreetly change his clothing when it clashes And work out what he's spent and what he earns; If as you mow the lawn and cook the dinner, You gently reassure him that he's smart; Yours is the Earth, my girl, and you're a winner; You've clearly understood a woman's art. /Shirley Curran/ 2. If you can learn the ways of male dissembling, Then play them back astutely, and in spades, If you can leave the office Tarzans trembling With put-downs like emasculating blades; If you can fix the odds and ride the strictures To be the one on top in mating games, And afterwards the one to keep the pictures While leaving all your exes in the frames; If you can name a price for indiscretion Far better than a man who thinks he's wise, If you can tweak a masculine obsession With energies that stun and paralyse; If you can look as fondant as Grace Kelly Smiling the smile that masks the inner snarl, You'll turn the nerves and will of men to jelly, And which is more, you'll make a femme fatale. /Basil Ransome-Davies/ / / /Alastair Wilson/