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your poem reminded me of these two songs: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/b/beatles/a+day+in+the+life_10026556.html http://www.lyricsdomain.com/19/suzanne_vega/toms_diner.html On Sun, Jan 31, 2010 at 7:26 PM, andrew burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote: > Thanks, Janet. Yes, it was a self-pitying moment masquerading as a poem. > I'll chop and add and chop and chip and chop and ... something will remain. > Third person is a good call - I'll try that. & no Eliot. Thanks again. > Andrew > (Yes, I'm looking after myself - and Jeanette has a short lease on me so I > can't venture far until after 10th - boo hoo.) > > On 1 February 2010 11:20, Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]> wrote: > > > And now, having read the other comments, I can condense mine to: > > > > 'Like Judy said' > > > > :-) > > Janet > > > > On 1 February 2010 11:18, Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]> wrote: > > > > > > > > > > > On 29 January 2010 08:02, andrew burke <[log in to unmask]> wrote: > > > > > >> I am presently trying to work this poem out. If you don't know The > > >> Hollow Men by TSEliot, it may lose a lot. And this format doesn't > > >> allow italics (for those without rich text) for the quotes. Sigh. But > > >> have a look if you will - any response is valid. And more than > > >> welcome! > > >> > > >> Illustrated History (title) > > >> > > >> > > >> For us, the faded ink > > >> whispers of a bleak end. > > >> > > >> _We are the hollow men …_ > > >> > > >> Brittle bones and flawed heart, > > >> I am drained of much > > >> and live in echoes. > > >> > > >> _May this bring back > > >> fond memories …_ > > >> > > >> > > > Until this point I'm bored... I'm thinking, it's another of those > > > sad-old-man poems (sorry, Andrew!) But then we get some action and > after > > > this point I just love the description, especially the bouncing > > tradesmen... > > > that's so exactly right! > > > > > > Would anything be lost by starting at this point? > > > > > > Also it may be better to get rid of the Eliot bits, or maybe just quote > > him > > > once, at the beginning, if you still want that context. > > > > > > The poem is I guess examining the experience of being older and > consigned > > > to the role of observer -- in contemporary suburban Australia. Would it > > be > > > more powerful to leave out the introspection? Simply to describe? > > > > > > I'm not sure whether this poem wouldn't work better in the third > > person... > > > or perhaps rewrite it from old Marcia's point of view? > > > > > > HTH, look after yourself > > > Janet > > > > > > > > >> My play is all dialogue > > >> at the shopkeeper’s door > > >> with old Marcia who sits > > >> on the padded seat > > >> of her walking frame. > > >> > > >> _We are the stuffed men …_ > > >> > > >> As we talk, about weather > > >> and rising prices, tradesmen bounce > > >> out of utilities and trucks > > >> to buy choc-flavoured milk > > >> and Mrs Mac’s pies. > > >> Stained with years, > > >> the old lady sips her coffee > > >> through a straw > > >> and meditates in > > >> their exhaust. Her dress > > >> is faded and her hair grey > > >> but she likes to watch > > >> tradesmen come and go, > > >> talking of who can bat > > >> and who can throw. > > >> > > >> _Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!_ > > >> > > >> Vice detectives own > > >> the shopkeeper’s son who > > >> now pushes his daughter – > > >> thin, bespectacled, thirty – > > >> towards the bar. > > >> His family history is > > >> illustrated in tattoos: > > >> Mother’s faded numbers > > >> over a triangle, > > >> his 1% MC and devil-tailed flames, > > >> and now > > >> her bluebird and red rose. > > >> > > >> _Behaving as the wind behaves > > >> No nearer— _ > > >> > > >> This is the way my day begins, > > >> This is the way my day begins, > > >> This is the way my day begins: > > >> Not with a bang but the paper. > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> Andrew > > >> 'Beyond City Limits', pub. ICLL @ ECU, available at topnotch indie > > >> bookshops - list at http://hispirits.blogspot.com/ > > >> > > > > > > > > > > > > -- > > > Janet Jackson: Words with attitude & soul > > > Poems Performances Workshops Courses > > > Creative, technical and corporate writing > > > Editing > > > > > > [log in to unmask] > > > www.proximitypoetry.com > > > > > > Perth Poetry Club: www.perthpoetryclub.com > > > > > > The Line Mine, bulletin board for Perth poetry & spoken word: > > > [log in to unmask] > > > groups.yahoo.com/group/thelinemine > > > > > > Breastfeeding info & help: www.breastfeeding.asn.au > > > > > > > > > > > -- > > Janet Jackson: Words with attitude & soul > > Poems Performances Workshops Courses > > Creative, technical and corporate writing > > Editing > > > > [log in to unmask] > > www.proximitypoetry.com > > > > Perth Poetry Club: www.perthpoetryclub.com > > > > The Line Mine, bulletin board for Perth poetry & spoken word: > > [log in to unmask] > > groups.yahoo.com/group/thelinemine > > > > Breastfeeding info & help: www.breastfeeding.asn.au > > > > > > -- > Andrew > > 'Beyond City Limits', pub. ICLL @ ECU, available at topnotch indie > bookshops > - list at http://hispirits.blogspot.com/ >