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To rephrase David Meltzer, "a roof big enough to hold screams" (and then some). Stephen V --- On Wed, 9/16/09, David Bircumshaw <[log in to unmask]> wrote: From: David Bircumshaw <[log in to unmask]> Subject: Re: Snap (this happened Monday night) To: [log in to unmask] Date: Wednesday, September 16, 2009, 12:23 PM I added 'do it', and commas for rhetorical emphasis but things might change ( I only wrote it as I posted) The event in question was disturbing in the callous way most onlookers I heard spoke (it was directly opposite my home btw) - I wanted to write a somewhat flattened music. 2009/9/16 Frederick Pollack <[log in to unmask]> > Good. Music of adjectives in first line, and the participles in last, esp. > You don't need "the drop" or comma(s) after "do it." Stronger without. > > > ----- Original Message ----- From: "David Bircumshaw" < > [log in to unmask]> > To: <[log in to unmask]> > Sent: Wednesday, September 16, 2009 3:05 PM > Subject: Snap (this happened Monday night) > > > > For most of the damp provincial drab autumnal evening >> he stood on the car-park rooftop threatening to do it, the drop, >> >> as the policed public looking on sneered and joked and >> waited, lusting. Lusted, waiting, waited, lusting. >> >> -- >> David Bircumshaw >> "A window./Big enough to hold screams/ >> You say are poems" - DMeltzer >> Website and A Chide's Alphabet >> http://www.staplednapkin.org.uk >> The Animal Subsides http://www.arrowheadpress.co.uk/books/animal.html >> Leicester Poetry Society: http://www.poetryleicester.co.uk >> Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/david.bircumshaw >> >> -- David Bircumshaw "A window./Big enough to hold screams/ You say are poems" - DMeltzer Website and A Chide's Alphabet http://www.staplednapkin.org.uk The Animal Subsides http://www.arrowheadpress.co.uk/books/animal.html Leicester Poetry Society: http://www.poetryleicester.co.uk Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/david.bircumshaw