 |
 |
"Spy" is the one word that seems to be there just for the sake of the rhyme. "Flay" might be better. You could also try "We'll fillet" - but that would really change things. I You've already said you're going to try to catch some fish, so to wonder whether you'll see one two stanzas later seems to be going backward. Did you consider omitting "down" for the scansion? And perhaps hearing the ocean sigh should come earlier? The thought there being to work toward more energy, rather than less. Janet Jackson wrote: > Another formal experiment caused by this damned book I'm reading. > > Come down to the beach with me. > Let's try to catch some fish > while staring at the sea. > > Let's walk down after tea > and save ourselves some cash. > Come down to the beach with me > > this evening. Will we spy > a swimming silver swish > while staring at the sea? > > Forget humanity, > their shouting smashing rush -- > come down to the beach with me > > to hear the ocean sigh > its shore-touch splash and splish, > while staring at the sea. > > You'll feel as floating free > as anyone could wish > while staring at the sea. > Come down to the beach with me. > > I like it and I hate it equally. > > I can't make up my mind whether to have 'spy' or 'flay' in line 7. 'Flay' > changes the poem utterly, from light and fluffy to hideously ironic. IMHO. > > Writing in trimeter (rather than tetrameter or pentameter) makes it even > more difficult because you have less room for your ideas. On the other hand > you don't have to think of as many words and there's less risk of padding it > out to fit the metre. > > Janet > -- Tad Richards http://www.opus40.org/tadrichards/ http://opusforty.blogspot.com/ The moral is this: in American verse, The better you are, the pay is worse. --Corey Ford