Joodles the child abuse idea came because of a recent case here England
'Emily'where parents kept a child upstairs in a bed room she waved to
neighbours but they could not hear what she said -she was always at the
closed window looking out -all very sad
Patrick
-----Original Message-----
From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On
Behalf Of Judy Prince
Sent: 21 August 2007 08:06
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: collage poetry
Hi, Lynda,
I've put your first version below, followed by the second.
"Sticks" is a clearer, sentenced narrative. "Emily" more often suggests,
phrases---and I much prefer it to the reworked version.
In "Emily" I didn't get the "Tear away I can take it" ending line----thought
it was your inviting our criticisms!! I still don't get the line. Neither
version suggests child abuse to me.
I do absolutely love (in "Sticks"): "the wind catches/ and her hair becomes
feathers".
I do always hate (anywhere I find 'em) a word hanging at the end of a stanza
that's completed for meaning in the start of the next stanza, so I'd opt for
your putting these ("Emily") bits in the same stanza: "all the children run
along the steaming tarmac".
At times a first or early version hits the right spots in us and keeps
hitting them. Perhaps that's bcuz our "fussy" self increasingly takes over
in rewrites.
Best,
Judy
Lynda Nash wrote:
> A little poem entiltled...
>
> Emily in the Window
>
> Feet upon the sill, waiting
> she hugs her knees
> and mouths words onto the glass.
>
> a cock-eyed smile
> a silent shout
> a simple wave.
>
> The creak of metal. A rush of air.
> Are you coming to play?
> All the children run
>
> along the steaming tarmac
> grass-stained fingers and holey knees
> laces of their trainers flapping.
>
> Holding tight the cold frame
> she dangles
> her hair caught on the wind.
>
>
> Tear away - I can take it!
>
>
Rewritten version:
>
> The Sticks and Stones
>
> Her feet on the sill
> she thinks of names for her knees
> and mouths them onto the glass.
>
> They block her view of the children
> in the gutter
> playing Jackie-Five-Stones
>
> She smiles simply
> and waves
> but not at them.
>
> She wants to know if the latch would look
> like a stick upside down,
> if only she could push it that far.
>
> The metal screeches.
> The wind catches
>
> and her hair becomes feathers
> her mouth, suddenly a beak,
> squawks
>
> as the children run
> empty-handed down the street.
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