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Roger These people who are cursed with wanting to rewrite other peoples snaps!!!!!! Ban them that's what I say :-) Patrick de raynes park -----Original Message----- From: Poetryetc: poetry and poetics [mailto:[log in to unmask]] On Behalf Of Roger Day Sent: 08 April 2007 17:37 To: [log in to unmask] Subject: Re: snapshot -- revision how about this? Stepping into the morning waxwing symphonies and crow concertos air shivering, air trembling sandman cacophony crowding out the daylight ... why do we enter the future with the past in our deep night pockets although you may not want to go that far ... On 4/6/07, sharon brogan <[log in to unmask]> wrote: > thank you all for your critiques on this piece. here is a revision, which i > think is an improvement. i agree with andrew that it would be good to take > the "I" from the first line, but can't see a way just yet: > > > I stepped from my house this morning, > head crowded with voices from dreams, > into shivering air, trembling air, symphonies > of waxwings and robins, a percussion > of crows ... Why do we enter the future > with the past in our night pockets? Trees > shook with squirrel passions; goldfish > drifted from the pond's dark bottom > into pale water. At dusk the mountains > were scarved with mist. > > > > On 4/4/07, sharon brogan <[log in to unmask]> wrote: > > > > I stepped from my house this morning, > > head crowded with voices from dreams, > > into shivering air, trembling air, symphonies > > of waxwings and robins, a percussion > > of crows ... Why do we enter the future > > with the past in our night pockets? Trees > > shook with squirrel passions; goldfish > > drifted from the pond's dark bottom > > up into pale water, reacquainting themselves > > with the surface. The day passed slowly. > > At dusk the mountains were scarved with mist. > > > > <http://www.sbpoet.com> > > > > > -- > ~ SB =^..^= > > http://www.sbpoet.com > -- My Stuff: http://www.badstep.net/ "Patriotism is a virtue of the vicious." Oscar Wilde